When he kisses her, I grip my hand into a fist hard enough to hurt. There’s no uncertainty or softness or seeking of permission. He knows he’s welcome.
I hate him.
The pain hits me hard enough that it throws me off for a second. It doesn’t make sense. I knew herfor one summer all those years ago. She can be with whoever she wants. I don’t get a say in that.
It doesn’t stop it from stinging.
The feelings that bubble up are hot and irrational.
Jealousy.Possessiveness.
I want to tear across the pavement and shove him off her. To tell him that she was mine first. To act with a childish petulance I hadn’t been afforded throughout my actual childhood.
They pull apart, and he takes her hand, tugging her into the hotel with need written across his punchable face.
I nearly follow them in, but it’s too risky. It’s not like I have a keycard.
Moving again, I stop off to the side of the entrance, and I peer through the glass doors, jumping when they automatically open, and Kat’s dainty chin turns my way. Only just managing to avoid her eyeline, I watch them move straight past reception without stopping. Heading straight for the rooms.
I give it a few seconds, then push through the broken fence to the left of the building. In the darkness, rocks amongst the dirt make me stumble while I peer through windows, searching for her.
I go window to window, peeking through gaps in curtains, and dodging the fully open ones after a quick glance inside. Shirtless men lying in their underpants are the most common finding. Some are watchingreruns of panel shows, others are watching soft porn. None of the people I need.
As the number of windows left decreases, my heartbeat thunders more erratically. What if they are in one of the rooms with the curtains closed up tight? What if he’s fucking her right now?
No.
By the time I reach the back of the building, frustration has my palms sweating in my gloves. The ground is barren here, stretching into the darkened industrial estate beyond.
I hesitate, looking around for cameras, but soon dismiss the idea. The hotel barely looks like it can afford working lights, never mind security.
I keep going, one bare arse thumping between a pair of pale thighs, making my heart fall out of my backside until I spot the splay of brown hair beneath the guy.
What exactly do you think you can do about it? Knock on the window and tell her that she can’t fuck anyone else. That’ll go down well.
Not.
I keep moving, close to giving up as the tension in my skull increases. Until I spot her through the crack in a set of curtains. A sliver of Kat’s figure presses up against the wall as the man kisses her.
It feels like someone does origami with my heart as I watch them.
I’ve never been one for sex. Not by the time I couldchoose to have it. Never bothered with porn either, not when I know where so much of it originates.
Kat pushes him off, and for a moment, I think she’s going to leave. But then her hands are on his shoulders, and she’s redirecting himdownwards. He presses her skirt up her thighs, revealing a slip of pale cotton that stalls my breathing.
For the first time, I want to watch. Tearing my eyes from her seems impossible, even with the heated envy making me want to smash the window.
To possess her in a way I have no right to.
He shouldn’t be touching her like that.
The thought comes like a bullet splintering my skull, and he drags his lips over the crotch of her panties.
She’s mine.
I can’t stand aside and watch them together. But neither can I leave them to screw up against the goddamned wall.
Fuck.
