I sighed because, although I hid it well, I’d been miserable too.
“Yeah. Me too.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened between you and Russell?”
I looked down at my niece, who was playing with a small toy on the table, oblivious to the seriousness of this conversation.
“I don’t mind you asking, Mama Rush. It’s just really hard for me to talk about because it doesn’t only affect me and my future, but it affects Russell too.”
I always became very emotional when I thought about my prognosis. Tears fell from my eyes, and I sniffled, causing Bliss to look up at me. She reached up and wiped my tears with her little hand.
“Don’t be sad, Titi Wose.”
I hugged her to my chest and kissed the top of her head.
“If it’s not something you want to share with me, I understand,” Mama Rush said.
“I just . . . I told Russell last night, and he was so understanding. All this time, I thought once he found out that he wouldn’t want me anymore, but I was wrong, and I wasted so much time.”
She took Bliss from my lap and put her in her booster seat. After putting some food in a bowl, she put it on the table in front of Bliss and pulled up a chair next to mine. It wasn’t until she took my hands in hers that I realized I was crying.
“Listen, baby girl. There’s no sense crying over spilled milk. You told him when you were ready, and the time you feel you wasted was needed for you to build up the courage and prepare to be loved by a man like Russell.”
All I could do was nod because I was too emotional to speak. It felt like I’d been crying for days, and I was just about sick of myself, but Mama Rush gave me the time I needed to let it out.
“You and Papa Rush raised such great men. Russell is stoic most of the time, but he’s shown me sides of himself that very few are privy to. He’s never been shy about his feelings for me, and I took that for granted because I didn’t think I could make him happy in the long run.”
“Rose, when I met you, I don’t think Russell had known you very long, and I could already see that he was falling in love with you. The longer you two fooled around, the deeper he fell. I’d never seen his eyes light up or his smile so bright until I caught him looking at you. Why would you think you couldn’t make him happy?”
I exhaled slowly before saying, “Mama Rush, I can’t have kids.”
She gasped, and her eyes widened, but she recovered and pulled me into her arms.
“Oh, baby girl. I don’t know what to say.”
She rocked me in her arms, and the waterworks started again. I swear I should be dehydrated after crying as much as I had in the past twenty-four hours.
“It’s okay, Mama Rush. I’ve known since I was fifteen, and I’ve come to terms with it. These tears are for Russell and the family I’ll never be able to give him.”
“Rose, that’s not true. There are other ways for you to have a family that don’t require you to give birth, baby girl.”
“I know. Russell said the same thing, but?—”
She shook her head, causing me to pause.
“We’re not doing that, young lady. He said what he said, and my grandson doesn’t say things he doesn’t mean. Don’t try to pick apart or make up things in your mind about what he may have meant. If he said there are other ways to have a family, that’s what he meant. Do you understand me?”
I nodded as I said, “Yes, ma’am.”
“Good. As a woman who managed to carry only one child to term, I think I can somewhat relate to how you may feel if carrying your children is something you’ve always imagined yourself doing. I want you to hear me and hear me good. Not being able to do so doesn’t make you any less of a woman, and if you all choose another way to start a family, it doesn’t make you any less of a mother. Okay?”
I nodded again as I attempted and failed to hold back my tears. “Yes, ma’am.”
After another embrace and a kiss to my forehead, she released me and got busy piling food onto a plate for me.
“What’s going on in here?” Daisy asked as she entered the kitchen through the basement apartment door.
“What are you doing here?” Blossom asked.
