The nightmares hadn’t quite left her yet—Ryan, prowling in the night, taking her away from our family—but every time they came, I quickly wrapped her up in my arms and kissed away the last tendrils of the fear that tried to swallow her whole.
“Sleep was pretty great. I had a mild heart attack when you both weren’t in the room with me when I woke up, though.” A book landed softly on the table in front of me.
“Sorry,” I winced, “I thought I might be able to sneak down here and let you get some actually restful sleep.”
“I’m fine. You let me sleep in yesterday, too.” She leaned down and kissed me while my hand rested on our son’s chest.
“I thought maybe this morning you’d want to talk over wedding details.” I wasn’t trying to push. But officially makingViolet mine was the last piece of protection I could put in place for her.
“Really chomping at the bit, aren’t you?” she asked as she took a sip from my coffee cup.
“It’s important to me,” I admitted. “Connor and I have the same last name. It’s important to me that you do, too.” My eyes dropped to the book she was nervously tapping her fingers on. It wasn’t her usual style of cover, rather a leather one with deep ridges that formed what looked like an abstract ocean wave.
“What’s that?”
“Oh,” she smiled, “just a little gift for you.”
“For me? What is it?”
Violet slid the book closer to me, but kept her hand in place so I couldn’t open it.
“This is everything, Colt. Everything from the years we were apart. I want to start with a fresh slate, and I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. These are my memories, but I want them to be yours, too. Before I give you it, can I have your phone?”
“Of course you can.” My brows pulled together. “Why?”
“I think, while you take some time to read through this, I’d like to watch the video of you bonding with our son while I was in the ICU. I’d like to put those memories in my heart.”
I typed Vi’s birthday into my phone—yes, that was my lock code—and pulled up the video.
“Hand Connor over. I think I’m going to need to snuggle him as I watch this,” she said.
Violet’s arms were steady as she cradled Connor to her chest. She gave me a quick kiss before disappearing back upstairs.
A minute later, I sat out on the back porch, the cold bite to the wind a welcome contrast to the way the direct sunlight was making me squint. My ass was firmly planted in the spot Vispent so much time in all those years ago. The place I sat in when I was missing her over the years.
I held the book in my hands, contemplating if I was strong enough to read what I knew was going to be Vi’s heart poured out onto paper. But she’d given it to me for a reason, and I wanted to honor that.
I flipped through the front, and the dates at the top of the pages made me gasp. Letters to me, starting from the night before our divorce was finalized.
Colt,
Tomorrow is a day I’ve been dreading since the words first fell out of my mouth. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to go. But I know I have to, for you to have a chance at happiness. Your eyes used to light up every time you saw me walk into the same room. But now, they are just filled with worry. And I can’t keep doing that to you. Making you worry. Making you hold me while I break down. While I hurt. And scream. And try to find a reason to be here anymore. I’m not who I was when we got married. I’m a shell of that woman. Of the person you fell in love with. And I hate that for you. You deserve so much more. I don’t want to let you go, but I’m going to. Please let me. Fall in love again. Have babies. Let laughter and joy back into your life.
I can’t give that to you, but I can give you the chance at it with someone else.
My vision blurred and I swallowed past the pain in my throat.Goddammit, Vi.I should have seen what she was doing. I should have known…
Turning a few pages, I saw another date I recognized. Her mother’s funeral.
Colt,
You were there today. Like an answer to my prayers. How many times over the last few months have I cried myself to sleep whispering your name? And you were there. Like you heard and had to come to me. Because you knew I was hurting. I’m so grateful for that. For you. I don’t think I would have been able to get through today without you being there. And I need you to know, if only on this piece of paper and never in any other capacity, that I still love you. So completely. With every fiber of my being.
I want to come home. I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up early enough to send you off to work with lunch and a kiss, like we did before. I miss you more than I’ve ever missed anyone in my life.
I’m leaving for New York next week, and something in my heart is screaming at me to just go back to Silver Springs instead. Because what if I was strong enough to admit that this was all a mistake? And then I realizethat’s just being strong for something I want. I’m selfish. And you don’t deserve that.
Fuck!I should have stayed. I should have been able to hear her say all of that to my face, because I would have set the record straight so fucking fast. A splash hit the page, smudging some of the ink. I looked up at the sky, brilliantly blue with not a cloud to be seen. I wiped my face, realizing my own tears were the culprit.
