“Why are you doing this to me?” I wept.
“Why are you doing this tome?! You fucking with this nigga after all the shit that has went down between us. How you think that makes me feel? You don’t think I’m hurting?” he asked with so much pain in his voice that I could barely stomach it.
“Jahrein, I don’t know why you can’t let go. It’s really over between us. You have a whole human being to take care of. I don’t want no parts of him. I don’t even want my kids around him, even though I can’t control that. You can’t be with a person that can’t accept your own flesh and blood.”
“Why can’t you just be with me? I don’t want that broad!” he beat his chest.
“It’s not even about her. I can’t deal with the baby, either.”
“Okay, so I’ll keep him away from you. I’ll send his mama money through the mail. I won’t have any contact with them.” he suggested.
As fucked up as it sounded I liked that idea. Still, there was too much going on and not enough answers for me to go back just then.
“Jahrein, just give me some time to think.”
“How much time?” he wanted to know.
“Just a little while. But I want my kids now.”
“You can come see them whenever you want, but they aint going back around that nigga.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
“Hey, Raven this is Khalil. I was just calling to say what’s up. Hit me when you can.”
“This Khalil, again. I was trying to see what’s up. A nigga miss you.”
“Okay, Raven I know you got my messages. Call me.”
“Damn, Raven it’s like that? I can’t get a call?”
“So, you avoiding me now, huh? It’s all good.”
“If you don’t want to fuck with a nigga just let me know! No need to play little girls’ games!”
“I guess the homies was right. You just want to play games with a nigga, huh? It’s all good.”
“Okay, I was tripping. You just make sure that your fine ass give me a call.”
“Hey, this Khalil again. I know that I’ve been tripping. I know that you have a lot on your plate right now. Just call me when you can.”
“Raven, baby, I have some Beyonce tickets. I know you want to go.”
“Okay, Raven you win. I won’t put any pressure on you. Just give me a minute of your time.”
“Raven just call me.”
I sat and listened to my voicemail. Khalil was relentless. I hadn’t answered any of his calls in over a week. I’d taken people’s advice and took some time to think things through. I knew that I was still very much in love with Jahrein. I just didn’t know how we could recover from the blow. I tried to busy myself with school work and my children. I decided that it was best that they remained at our home instead of my apartment. It had gotten to the point where I barely even stepped foot in that apartment. I spent most nights at our home. My kids seemed to behave better with that change.
My staying at the house was just complicating things between me and Jahrein. He’d argue with me every night because I didn’t want to sleep in the same bed with him. I wasn’t completely sure of what I was going to do, so I didn’t want to send him mixed signals. He took that as me trying to remain faithful to Khalil. I wasn’t committed to Khalil, but I wasn’t going to explain that to Jahrein. I liked seeing him sweat.
Chapter 17
(The One I Gave my Heart to/Aaliyah)
“How could the one that I gave my heart to say the things you say…How could the love that brought such pleasure bring such misery?”
It was three in the morning when I stepped into the house. Not surprisingly, the lights were out. One by one, I checked each of the kids’ rooms to ensure that they were sound asleep. While doing that, I couldn’t help but notice how unusually messy the house was, making me think about how my life was so out of order, right then.
