Petal nudges my leg, and I squat down and rub her head. “You’re okay, girl. I wish I could say the same for your mama.”
Mama.
I dove headfirst into this. I knew I would; that’s why I held off for so long. Petal pulls away, trotting back to her bed. All my girls are walking away from me today. I sink to my seat and shove my head in my hands.
I briefly consider running after London and begging her to let me in.
But that’s not what she wants. That’s whatIwant.
I want to protect her from all this. Iwantedto protect her from this, but I wasn’t there.
Fuck.
I wasn’t fucking there.
Now, I’ll be nowhere near her every single time she runs into a burning building. Every time she puts herself in danger.
And I’m not okay with that.
Chapter 29
LONDON
Mama straightens my lapels, her head tilting sideways as I look at the reflection staring back at me in the mirror. The formal uniform firefighters wear comes out for very few occasions, and this is one I never wanted to don the dress uniform for.
“You did your best by him, bubba. That’s all anyone can ask. Hold your head high, my love. Make your crew proud.”
I barely manage a nod as tears streak down the small amount of makeup I put on for today, my chin wobbling.
“You need me to drop you off?” she asks, tucking my white gloves into my hip pocket.
“No, Owens is picking me up. Thanks.”
We move to the couch, and I turn the cap in my hands as we wait for Heidi. My gaze is snagged on the floor when Mama says, “That’s not all of it, is it?”
I swallow past the lump in my throat, almost choking myself in the process. Eventually, I whisper, “No.”
Her warm hand rubs circles over my back as I try to inhale and exhale in a calm fashion. From the second I came to on that sidewalk, nothing has been calm. Or right.
“Is it Miles? Your captain?”
My eyes drift closed.
“He’s not my captain anymore.”
“Why?”
I turn my head to Mama, pinning her with an undeserved incredulous look.
“Oh, I see.”
I huff a strangled sound. I have royally fucked every single thing that meant something to me. I broke my promise. I couldn’t save Davey, and I let down the entire crew when Miles was reassigned.
“I don’t know how to move past any of it.”
Mama hugs me into her side. “My love, seldom do we move past the hard things. Most of the time we simply must walk through it, yeah?”
“Why?” My face tightens as I study hers.
