“I need to do it alone.” It sucks, but it’s the truth. I need to be with just Farrah. We need time to get to know each other. Just the two of us. Mother and daughter. God, that sounds insane when I think about it. I haven’t acknowledged she’s my daughter in nearly sixteen years.
“Sir,” the pilot addresses Declan. “We need to get in the air. The plane at JFK can’t wait forever.” The blades start to turn over our heads.
“You need to get her inside.” I reluctantly hand him Aisling, who is hiding as best as she can from the frigid breeze.
“You are destroying me right now.” Declan holds his daughter with anguish in his eyes.
“I’m destroying myself.” I cry harder. “But I can’t go with you. And you can’t stay here.”
“Sir!” the pilot calls out to Declan again.
“Go.” I push him. Then grab his arm. I kiss Aisling one last time. “Be good for your daddy, baby girl. He needs you.”
“He needs you, too,” Declan lashes out at me.
“I’m sorry. I love you.” I wipe my renegade tears. “But please just go.” I shove him this time. “Go!”
“Damn you!” Declan climbs into the helicopter, shielding a whimpering Aisling from the cold.
The pilot slams the door closed. “You’ll need to get back in the truck.” He ushers me away. I walk backward with my gaze on Declan. We never break eye contact, even though our hearts are shattering. I have avoided feeling anything for as long as I can remember, and now I can feel everything. Every painful, dire, excruciating, gut-wrenching sensation a human being is born to feel. And it’s agony. I am falling apart. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put back the pieces.
The helicopter flies away, and I weep, left behind. I just destroyed a good man’s spirit, while at the same time destroying my own.
I climb back into the car emotionally spent. I’m not through with the heartbreak warfare yet.
“Where now?” Farrah asks, a scared and alone child.
“Back to the safe house. We have to have a long talk.”
Fuck my life.
* * *
Farrah and Isit at the little round table in the kitchen, staring at each other. Ling made us some kind of holistic tea with calming herbs, and then made herself scarce.
Now it’s just the two of us, and a whole closet full of dancing skeletons.
“So, what happens to me now? Am I going to have to go live with crazy Aunt Opal?”
“No. You’re going to stay with me.”
“I thought your life was complicated? How are you supposed to take care of me?” She sounds a little resentful. I guess I deserve that. This morning's conversation wasn’t the nicest.
“A lot of things changed in a small amount of time.”
“Didn’t you want to go with Declan?”
“Yes.” I’m honest. If nothing else, I vow to always be honest with Farrah. It’s the least I can do, and everything she deserves. “Watching him leave broke my heart.”
“Today is a sad day.” She gazes at the floor miserably.
“Yes, it is,” I agree. And it’s about to get worse. “Farrah, I have to tell you something.” It’s painful to speak, like shards of glass are cutting up my esophagus.
“What is it?” She perks up.
I clutch the warm mug tighter as my hands begin to shake. Looking up into her warm, blue eyes, I fall apart. I need to tell her, but how? How do I explain to a beautiful soul like Farrah that she was conceived in the most deplorable way? That everything she believes is a lie? Her entire life.
The thought brings me to tears. Appalling, ghastly, scandalous tears.
