“Being in the Army gave me structure and stability. It redefined me. I was ready to be someone new. Then I met Jett, and my life changed in a whole other set of ways. I was a wild animal before the two; I had no discipline, no self-respect, no integrity. They built me up into more. Not that I’m saying I’m perfect. We both know that I’m not, but I’m way better off than I was. And with you in my life, I’m even better.” He tangles our fingers and holds on tightly.
“Are you sure about that?”
“I’ve never been more sure about anything. I don’t think you understand how much power you have.”
“I don’t think I do, either.”
Kayne clenches my hand, our palms smashing together. “Ellie, you’re the one person who can destroy me. You’re my sin and my absolution, my indulgence and my starvation, and every right to all my wrongs.”
Oh Jesus, I think I just dissolved. This man can govern me with just his words. There’s no controlling the onslaught of emotion that overcomes me. Compulsively, I crush my lips against his and fight back the tears as I suck and lick and plunge my tongue deeply into his mouth.
He kisses me back with matched force until we need to come up for air. “What did you mean when you said your trust had been shattered by another woman?” I press my forehead against his, winded, with my heart beating rapidly.
Kayne looks up into my eyes and his anguished expression almost destroys me. He grabs onto my neck and closes his eyes like he’s holding onto me for dear life.
“Kayne?”
“Ellie,” he says my name so wounded. “I’m not sure I can.”
I have no idea how to keep him talking or even if I should, but I blurt out, “In high school, my prom date tried to rape me.” Kayne’s eyes fly open. “He was drunk and we were at an after party at a hotel. We were in the bathroom fooling around, and when we went as far as I was comfortable with, I told him to stop and he wouldn’t.”
Kayne looks at me disturbed. “Ellie, are you trying to kick me while I’m down?”
“What? No. Why would you say that?” Then I realize. “Kayne, you never raped me.”
“I might as well have.” He drops his head back and knocks it against the pool’s edge.
I force his face back up so I can look at him.
“I never told anyone about it.”
“Then why are you telling me now?” His voice is guarded.
“Because you said I could talk to you about anything. And I want to be able to do that. I just don’t want it to be one-sided.”
“I don’t want that, either, but I don’t know if I can . . . about this.”
“We all have things that tear us up inside, and I can tell you from experience that talking about it helps.”
Kayne sighs heavily. “You’ve been spending way too much time with Jett.”
“I’m not going to force you to tell me. But I’ll listen whenever you’re ready.” I kiss him on the lips with an abundance oflove.Yes, exactly that. Love.
“I’m going to go dry off for dinner.” I go to pull myself up so I can get out of the pool, but Kayne latches on to my thighs and stops me dead with just his impenetrable stare. The wall just got two feet thicker and twenty feet higher.
“I only met my mother once,” he says, his voice so cold it freezes the pool. “I was seven and having a really rough time with the foster family I was with. They were especially abusive.” I settle back down onto Kayne’s lap. “They would lock me in a dark, tiny closet and leave me there for days. I still don’t know why, maybe so they didn’t have to deal with me.” He swallows a very large lump in his throat, and I’m suddenly having second thoughts about him taking this trip down memory lane. “They made me pee in a bowl and eat scraps of food they threw at me like a dog.” He clears his throat. “One morning my social worker shows up with this woman. She was really pretty.” He says it like a child as his eyes tear up. “She even sort of looked like me. Same face and eyes, even hair color. And she was sweet. Really sweet. The two of them took me out, we went to the park, and for pizza, and even got ice cream. It was probably the best day of my life.” His voice cracks and so does my heart. “When they took me back to my foster home, the woman, her name was Sarah, took my hand and sat me on the curb. That’s when she told me who she was.”
“Your mom.”
He nods. “She said she had been sick and wasn’t able to take care of me for a long time, but she was better now and wanted us to be a family again. I remember asking her if she would take me to the park if we were a family. She said yes, often. That’s your biggest concern as a seven-year-old, you know, if you get to play.” He laughs sadly. “I hugged her so hard before she left, pleading with her to take me with her. She was my mom, I belonged with her. But she said that there were things that needed to be worked out, so I needed to stay where I was a little while longer. She promised she would be back. She looked me straight in the eyes and promised. And I believed her. I fucking believed her and Ilovedher.” Kayne splashes his face with the pool water, as if trying to wash away the surge of emotion. “She never came back, Ellie. I waited for days, weeks, months, years—sometimes I think I’m still waiting.” He breaks, tears spilling out of his eyes. Unable to stop myself, I throw my arms around his neck and hug him as tightly as my arms will allow. “She destroyed me with hope, the same way Mrs. Miller destroyed me with trust.” He hugs me back, digging his face into the curve of my neck. “You’re the first woman I have ever entrusted with those two things.”
I pull back and look at him. I think I finally understand the power that I hold. His tears continue to fall, trickles of heart wrenching sadness running down his face. They compel me as much as they destroy me. With no hesitation I lick his cheek tasting the salty anguish on my own tongue.
He jerks back, stunned. “Why did you do that?”
“You always lick away my tears,” I respond simply. Looking back, every tear I ever shed in his presence was never done in vain. It was his strange way of connecting, showing me he cared.
The doorbell rings, causing us both to jump.
