Ellie turns from white to green. That’s the right reaction; I nearly puked just retelling the story myself.
“That night I vowed that girl’s death wouldn’t be in vain. Her blood will always be on my hands because I did nothing to stop him. I will have to live with that until the day I die. It’s also why I was so hell-bent on not blowing my cover. Why I went to such an extreme. There was so much riding on that operation, so many lives at stake. Including yours.
“When Javier said he wanted you, all I could see was your face next to that grave. He had to believe that you were mine. He had to believe that I was taking a page from his book. It was the only way to keep him away.”
“He didn’t stay away.” Angry tears fall.
“I know.” I cup her cheek in my hand. “And I’m sorry. I did my best to protect you. But he got what he deserved. He’s dead. And I swear to God, Ellie, I would have killed him right there in front of you that night if it were under any other circumstances.I swear.Everything would have been different.” I wipe away the wetness on her face. “I didn’t know how serious he was when he said he wanted you. If I made you disappear, it might have looked suspicious, and possibly blown my cover. If I did nothing, I ran the risk of Javier pursuing you. The only thing I was truly sure of is that somehow you’d become more important to me than my own life. I’d fallen in love with you and didn’t even know it. Or maybe I did and just didn’t know how to recognize it. Either way, I made a split-second decision and claimed you before he could.”
She clutches my wrist as she listens to me speak, like it’s anchoring her to the ground. I know it’s anchoring me.
“I just wanted to do what I thought was right for everyone. It may have been deceitful, and felt like I misled you, but it delivered the outcome I was hoping for. So, please tell me, Ellie, now that you know everything, which is the bigger betrayal? Handing you over to the monster so you could die, or becoming the monster so you could live?”
Not a peep leaves Ellie’s mouth, not even a flow of air.
“What happened to the other girls? Did you save them?” She finally blinks, causing more tears to fall.
“Yes. Seventeen of them. And Javier’s house was burned to the ground.”
“Good.” She wipes her eyes roughly with the tips of her fingers. When she’s finished, I take her hand and lick up every last drop of her tears. She watches me thoughtfully, as if being reminded of a memory. They taste the same now as they did then, salty and sad.
“Did you like doing all those things to me?” She sniffs. “Hurting me? Making me cry?”
I pause, breathing heavily. “That’s a complicated answer.”
“Why?” She looks at me so intensely, like she wants to pick me apart.
“Because . . . I did.” I lower her hand and tangle her fingers with mine. “But I wish we did those things under different circumstances.”
“What kind of different circumstances?” She’s enthralled now.
“Ellie, the only women I have ever been with have been submissive. They expected certain treatment, and I expected certain behavior. Spanking, whipping, and punishment is what we were both accustomed to. You, as far as I was aware, knew nothing of the sort so I had to teach you. If you were going to truly be my slave, you needed to act a certain way, portray a certain persona. And you did. You surprised everyone, especially me. You endured everything I threw at you, facing it head on. I never forced a woman before. To be honest, I didn’t even know if I had it in me. But being with you was like a drug, I couldn’t stop myself from pushing you, wanting to find out just how far I could go. How far you would go.”
“You pushed me pretty far.” She admits.
“You pushed me pretty far, too.”
“I did?”
“Yes. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.”
“And you would want that with me again? To be submissive?” Her tone tells me she doesn’t like that idea, but the question opens all kinds of promise.
“I told you that I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me. I’ve made peace with giving up that lifestyle. You’re what’s important.”
“What happened to kink being king in your world?”
“That world doesn’t exist anymore.”
“You expect me to believe you’re okay with walking away from everything you know just so we can be together?”
I nod, confidently.
I can see the indecisiveness in her smoky-green eyes. The ones I’ve gotten lost in so many times. “I’ve never had love in my life, Ellie. Never thought I wanted it or needed it, or even deserved it. Then I met you, and everything changed. I don’t know how or why, I just knew you were different.
“I know I can’t force you to love me. I just thought if I could make you seeme,see that I’m not the monster you think I am, maybe there could still be a chance.” I pull her closer so her body is pressed up against mine. She feels so good and so perfect, I pray to God I’m saying the right things to convince her to say. “I want you in my life,” I plead with her. “You just need to be brave enough to want me back.”
She takes a long deep breath, clearly battling with the demons inside her.
