“Either of those men would make an excellent match for you.”
Felicity ‘s smile slipped before she managed to put it back into place. “Yes. I’m sure my parents agree.”
Sophia shot another look at the men. Something in Felicity’s tone was off. She almost sounded resigned. In a sad sort of way. But why should that be? Unless her friend’s heart was otherwise engaged.
Sophia pondered this possibility before she said, “Would you rather consider someone else? Perhaps one of the gentlemen you met in London?”
Felicity gave her head a swift shake. “No. There is no one else.”
“You’re certain of this?”
“Of course.” Felicity reached for Sophia’s hand. “Come. Let’s join the others.”
Sophia stood and allowed Felicity to lead her over to where Kaitlin sat. Once seated, Sophia tried to pay attention to the ensuing conversation. It seemed Mr. Madsen was keen on cross pollinating fruit trees. Kaitlin listened to him with rapt attention while Felicity served Mr. Dover some tea and commented on her desire to try keeping bees.
Sophia did her best to focus on what was being said, only to find her thoughts wandering back to her recent conversation with Felicity. Her friend’s assurances hadn’t rung true, leaving Sophia with thedistinct impression she had been lying, perhaps even to herself.
“Do you regret accepting my proposal?” Edward asked Sophia later as they headed home together in the carriage the Turners had lent them.
She turned to him in surprise. “No. Why on earth would I?”
His expression was hard to read in the dark but his words conveyed empathy. “I thought seeing him again might have caused you to change your mind.”
“It has not. Quite the opposite, in fact.”
“Sophia. ” He spoke her name with the certainty of someone who knew her better than anyone else. “I know your feelings for Hawthorne run deep. Don’t try to pretend they’ve suddenly vanished.”
She fought the unhappy laughter that threatened and managed a smile instead. “He’s not how I remember him and I have changed as well. Besides, there was never any chance of our ending up together.”
“Perhaps not,” he agreed and reached for her hand. He gave it a gentle squeeze. “But that doesn’t mean you aren’t affected by having even the slimmest possibility removed.”
“I might have been,” she said, “if there weren’t so many differences between us. You’ll have to forgive me, Edward, but right now the thing that upsets me most is realizing how much we’ve grown apart.” So much so she wondered if she could even call Jack her friend anymore. He’d unnerved her and thrown her off balance tonight, riled her until she’d wanted to scream. But he’d also made her want something she knew she had to resist.
“I’m just thinking…”
When Edward didn’t elaborate, Sophia asked, “What?”
His hold on her hand tightened. “You deserve to experience passion, Sophia, which is something I think we can both admit you and I will never find with each other. So if the opportunity were to arise and…and you wanted to steal a moment for yourself, I wouldn’t begrudge you.”
Shocked by his implication, Sophia snatched her hand away from his and turned more fully toward him. “Are you suggesting I have an affair? That I become another of Jack’s conquests?”
“No. What I’m suggesting is that you should do what feels right for you, provided you don’t embarrass me in the process.”
Sophia turned her gaze toward the carriage window, only to be faced by her own reflection. The sad expression of the woman staring back at her only made her unhappier. “I cannot believe we’re having this conversation.”
He sighed, the sound so achingly wretched it nearly brought tears to her eyes. “You deserve to know what it means to desire someone and to feel desire in return. I’ve had my own experiences and I know full well what I’m giving up. But you don’t.”
She jerked around and stared at him. “Surely desire will come if we’re willing to try?”
He shook his head. “No, Sophia. Desire doesn’t grow in the way love does. It’s either there or it isn’t, right from the start, a magnetic pull instilling in you a basic need to copulate. The luckiest people in the world are those who have both love and desire, although if one must choose, love is the better option because it is sure to last, while desire may fade with time. I know you love me as I love you, but I also know with equal certainty that you will never feel desire for me.”
Indeed she would not. The very idea of climbing into bed with Edward was, as Jack had said, unnatural. And yet she would do it however many times she had to in order for them to conceive. Not the most romantic view of what married life promised to hold. She found she looked forward to it with dread. And with anger directed at Jack for ruining something that would have worked out so well had he not made her yearn for more than what she was permitted to have.
With his hands in his pockets and his posture rigid, Jack stood near the library window and glared at the landscape beyond. With only the fire burning behind him and three oil lamps scattered about the room, he could see the dark outline of the tree line where the forest began. A nerve ticked at the edge of his jaw. His brain felt like it had been dislodged. In fact, his skull hurt like blazes. Most likely from all the drink he’d poured down his throat that evening. Unfortunately, its soothing effect had faded hours ago without leading to the carefree state of drunken bliss he’d hoped for. Instead he felt exhausted, slightly unwell, and more irritated than when Sophia had first arrived and he’d learned of her engagement.
His jaw tightened. Why the hell should he care who she married? In fact, he ought to be thrilled on her behalf. In spite of the way in which he’d teased her – mocked her rather – for choosing Edward, he was a good match for her. Jack scowled at his reflection in the glass as he recalled the things he’d said.It seems unnatural. I mean, you’re practically related. Come now, Sophia. You’re like brother and sister.
He winced. If one didn’t know any better, one might suppose he was jealous.
