“Good. I’m glad to hear it.”
He smiled up at her and in that moment she wished she could give him what he wanted. She wished she could put aside her own dreams, be his mistress, and damn the consequences. She wished she were strong enough not to care whom he married or how many children he had with his wife. And she wished she could be content with simply knowing he wanted her in his life – that she could be happy in that cottage he’d mentioned and that her heart wouldn’t break every time he left her.
Averting her gaze, she blinked back the threatening tears, took a deep breath, and brought her emotions under control. She rode around the ring a few more times before Simon showed her how to steer the horse left and right and finally how to bring it to a halt.
“You did splendidly, Ida,” he told her, leading the horse back toward the stables.
Once they reached the appropriate stall, Simon stepped around, reached up, and grabbed her by the waist. A gasp was all she had time for before he pulled her down and into his arms. Awareness swept through her with devastating force as the scent she’d grown so accustomed to stirred her senses while his added warmth and strength seeped into her bones.
It was over too soon and yet not soon enough as he cleared his throat and took a step back. A moment of silence passed between them before he said, “All of this could be yours.”
Unease pricked her skin. “What do you mean?”
“I wasn’t prepared to discuss the terms of our relationship with you yesterday, and as a result, I fear I mucked everything up.”
Closing her eyes for a moment, she prayed his next words would not make things worse. “Simon, we’ve just had a lovely outing together. Our friendship, while still a bit wobbly, feels as if it’s on its way back to calmer waters. Can we not simply agree to enjoy that?”
“I can’t let you go,” he told her seriously. “I won’t.”
“You have to,” she said, her annoyance flaring back to life on account of his selfish attempt to get all he wanted, no matter what.
“When a gentleman acquires a mistress,” he went on undaunted, “he ensures her comfort and her security. A house is generally made available to her along with a yearly allowance.”
“Yes, I am aware,” she said. “And you did mention a cottage, which I’m sure would be lovely if I did not—”
“Forget the damn cottage, Ida. That was an idea I mentioned in desperation when you said you wished to leave Town. But considering how much you mean to me, I’d like to give you more.” He turned slightly and looked toward the manor house. “As you know, my horses are my most prized possessions. I’ve turned down everyone who has offered to buy them in the past, including the king.”
Ida stared at him. Surely he wouldn’t—
“The property itself is not entailed,” he added while shifting his gaze back to hers, “so I am free to do with it as I wish, and what I wish is for you to have it. What I wish is for all of this to belong to you, to do with as you please. Sell it if you want, or live here and run it. I’ll cover all the expenses.”
Appalled by the extravagance of his offer, Ida could only gape at him as if he’d gone mad. She had no words. None whatsoever. Just a sickening feeling inside that came with the knowledge that he was attempting to buy her.
“Additionally, you will receive ten thousand pounds per annum. All I ask in return is for you and me to continue sharing each other’s company during the day and the same bed at night.”
Numbed by his words, she blinked a few times before she finally managed to say, “You still don’t understand, do you?” It was as if he’d not heard a single word she’d said, or he’d chosen to simply ignore them. Renewed anger welled inside her. “Your duty toward the title and your need for approval are both stronger than any feelings you have for me. And that’s not something I’m willing to accept. I deserve better, Simon. I want more – a husband who’s proud to call me his wife and children who’ll not have to suffer the cruelty of others because they were born out of wedlock. No object or property will ever be able to compensate for the sacrifice you want me to make.”
“Damn it, Ida. This is your chance to secure your future.”
“I’m sorry, Simon, truly, but I want happiness, and this isn’t it.”
Simon sucked in a breath and went utterly still. She was walking away from him, for the last time, he feared, and the realization made him feel like he was being strangled. It was getting harder to breathe.
Forcing himself into motion, he hurried to catch up with her so he could hand her into the conveyance. Her fingers closed around his with painful familiarity, but she did not meet his gaze. Simon’s heart shuddered in stark acceptance of the reality he now faced. Doing his best to keep a level tone, he ordered the driver to take them back to Bedford Street. After climbing in as well, he deliberately claimed the opposite bench in order to give Ida space.
A difficult silence fell between them. It seemed there was so much to say yet putting his thoughts in order and finding the right words had become an impossible task. With lead pouring through his veins, Simon averted his gaze and stared out the window.
Guthrie’s words came back in a rush. She’ll never be yours unless you put a ring on her finger.
Simon’s heart kicked up a notch. He glanced at Ida and instantly had to quash the temptation to reach out and tuck a stray lock of her hair behind her ear, to brush his lips across her cheek and beg her forgiveness. She was the only woman in the world he would ever want. He needed her. No one else could compare.
Knitting his brow, he swung his head back toward the blurry view. All his life, he’d bowed to convention and aimed for perfection. It was what he’d been raised to do – to march along to a certain beat and not let anyone down. Yet here he was now, letting them both down, and for what? So he could please an uncle he didn’t give a fig about? Impress his peers with a bride he didn’t desire?
Christ, he’d been unbelievably stupid. And he’d hurt her terribly, that much was clear. All because he’d been stubbornly blind and unwilling to thwart expectation.
But Yates was prepared to do it for his Miss Harlowe. Hell, even Gabriella had been brave enough to do it for Huntley. And they weren’t the only examples that came to mind. There was Coventry too, and Guthrie’s wife, Regina. So then, why not him? Why shouldn’t he choose love over all else? He was the Earl of Fielding, for God’s sake. The only real obstacle in his path was the fear he’d always had of coming up short in the eyes of others. Except, he realized as clarity hit him, the opinion of others meant nothing compared to losing Ida.
His pulse leapt with increased speed as they tumbled along the dry country road.
