Shaking with anger and pain, he raised his gaze to hers. There was an almost perverse appreciation to be found in the apprehension he saw in her eyes. She knew she’d pushed him further than she should have, so while it might be wrong to take advantage - to use her as the distraction he needed - he also felt she owed him.
Perhaps this wasn’t how it should have been. It probably wasn’t the best way in which to secure her hand in marriage. There certainly wasn’t an ounce of romance involved, just a need to block out the past in the most basic way he knew how. So he didn’t ask for permission, didn’t think of what the potential consequence might be for his intention to make her his wife. He just acted on instinct and claimed her mouth with his own in a kiss meant to punish her for what she’d done while helping him take back control.
A gasp was her first response, no doubt due to shock.
She was a gently bred woman after all and he was taking liberties in a way no well-mannered gentleman would think of doing. It was reprehensible really. He knew he was being a bastard. Especially since he felt no regret. Instead, all he felt was her softness, inviting him closer and driving a need he’d not even realized he had.
It was more than a need to vanquish the unwelcome thoughts she’d stirred to life. It was a need for contact, a need to feel something besides the soul-crushing pain. It was a need to bask in the sweetness and beauty she offered - a need to be held.
His hand settled briefly against her waist before sliding over her hip. Fingers splayed, he tested each pliable curve while pushing for more - for a deeper kiss with less space between them - an intimate taste of her mouth. He kissed her as if he were dying and she were his only salvation. Unstoppable, he drank from her like a man who’d just crossed the desert to find a fresh spring. Mindless, his hands gripped her closer, tighter. They moved over her, exploring her body until...
Until he realized something that almost brought him to his knees.
She was kissing him back.
She was kissing him back while clutching at him as if he were her lifeline. Her fingers dug deep into his shoulder and raked through his hair with a wild abandon so thoroughly thrilling he nearly lost his mind. And then she made a small sound - a mewl of pleasure so damn provocative it undid every reason he’d had for the kiss to begin with, and turned it into a primal display of want.
Never in his life had he been so bloody affected by a woman. Somehow, the quietly reserved miss he’d picked because he’d been sure she would wield no power over him was tempting him with dastardly ideas of taking her upstairs right now to his bedroom and stripping her naked. Better yet, he could save the trip and have her right here up against the stone wall. Lord knew he was ready and if the tilt of her hips and the desperate whimpers she kept making were any indication, so was she.
It wouldn’t take much. He just had to lift up her skirts and undo his placket. She had said she’d be his wife, so what did it matter if they allowed themselves to get carried away before the wedding?Surely the pleasure he gave her would only serve as extra incentive to wed?
Kissing his way along the length of her neck, he tugged on her sleeve so he could press hot, searing kisses upon her shoulder. Moving lower, he dragged down the edge of her bodice and bent his head for a taste of her sweetest perfection.
“Matthew.”
Her voice was a sensual whisper, enough to spur him on even if she hadn’t been clutching him, demanding he give her more. So he did, even as her hands found their way inside his shirt, the heat of her palms almost searing his skin as they moved across the expanse of his back. A groan rumbled through him. No turning back now. He grasped at her skirt, bunching the fabric and pulling it upward, his need for her so overwhelming it had to be tamed in the only possible way.
She didn’t resist, but rather moaned with unfeigned longing the moment his hand grasped her naked thigh. “Please. I just...I...”
“Shh... It’s all right, Sarah.” He moved his hand higher. “I know what you need.”
“God, Matthew.” He raised his head and her eyes met his, so open, so honest, so achingly pure. “I love you.”
Every muscle contracted. He froze. With her skirt almost all the way up to her waist and one hand splayed across her bare bottom, he stood, unable to move. It was the strangest most awful thing he’d ever experienced - like having a fully functioning mind imprisoned inside a paralyzed body. Every nerve ending he possessed clamored for him to make a decision. He had to act, and to do so he had to fight the instinct that told him to run. Because if he did, she would know he couldn’t accept or return such affection, and once she knew, he was fairly certain he’d lose her.
So he forced himself to remain in place, not to act with haste but to simply breathe while recovering from the splintering shock of her declaration. Slowly, so as not to cause her alarm, he removed his hand and let her skirt fall back into place. Leaning in for good measure, he placed a soothing kiss against the base of her neck while adjusting her bodice.
“Please, Sarah,” he murmured, hoping and praying he didn’t sound nearly as terrified as he felt, “you must forgive me for being so bold. I fear I forgot myself and my manners.”
She answered with a shy smile. “It’s quite all right. As I recall, I didn’t exactly try to talk you out of it.”
“No. You did not.” He forced a wry grin - one he hoped would mask the panic he had to endure with every beat of his heart. “I never imagined you would be so enthusiastic, and before you get the wrong idea, I should tell you I’m very pleased to discover this passionate side of you. It bodes well for our wedding night.”
“And for our marriage as a whole, I should think.”
Unable to be completely dishonest, he made a noncommittal sound and took a step back. He needed space - a great deal of it - but he also had to stop her from getting suspicious, so he set about tucking his shirt in and putting himself back to rights. “We should probably start making the necessary arrangements. If you agree, I will call on your father tomorrow to formally ask for your hand.”
She beamed at him with such unabashed pleasure, he wanted to punch himself straight in the face. Christ, she deserved better than what he could offer, but the idea of letting her go, of breaking things off and choosing another to mother his children, was utterly unthinkable. He could imagine no better woman for the job than Sarah. She was ideal and by God, he wanted her to be his, however selfish that was.
“If we start making plans now, we ought to be married by the end of October.”
He leaned in and kissed her. “Sounds perfect to me.”
A lovely blush colored her cheeks. “I almost forgot. This is for you.”
Matthew dropped his gaze to the basket she held toward him. Taking it from her, he pulled back the white cloth covering to find a collection of bread rolls along with a jar of jam.
Speaking past the sudden knot in his throat, he thanked her for her thoughtfulness.
