He laughed, but it was with bleakness rather than joy. “No. I don’t suppose I am.”
They were so close, touching even, and yet she’d never felt further from him. And then he stood, pushing her hand aside as he did so. His posture was tense, slightly hunched as if he carried some dreadful weight.
“I ruined your life.”
The words were so soft she scarcely heard them. Except she did and she didn’t understand. And because she didn’t, she tried to smile in order to offer reassurance. “I married you because I wanted to,” she said, settling on the only concern he could possibly have, the only thing that could have, in her estimation, resulted from him overthinking the vow and what it might mean in terms of her feelings. “Yes, it seemed like the best course of action but since then so much has changed. My regard for you and—”
“You don’t understand,” he interrupted gruffly. “Ludlow would still be alive if it weren’t for me.”
“What?” She couldn’t have heard him right. It wasn’t possible. Her ears simply had to be playing tricks on her. She tried to breathe, but her lungs felt frozen. Every part of her body was suddenly cold, and she realized she’d started trembling.
“Timothy,” Devlin said as if to confirm who he was talking about. “He’s dead because of me, Cass. How’s that for a cruel twist of fate?”
“No.” She shook her head. “No, no, no. No, that can’t be true, it just can’t.” Her legs went numb and she slid sideways from her crouched position until she was sitting on her bottom. “It was an accident. A terrible, terrible accident. The witnesses said so. He…” She swallowed hard. “Timothy stepped out into the street without looking just as the carriage rounded the corner. You can’t be to blame.” She shook her head frantically, as if the action would somehow erase the possibility. And then she looked at him hard. The next words she spoke were filled with resolve. “You weren’t even there!”
“No. I wasn’t.” His face contorted, banishing any relief she might have felt in response to his words. “ButIhired the carriage.Iordered the driver to hurry – to return as swiftly as he possibly could.Me!” He pressed one hand to his chest and stared down at her with wild despair, then added more softly, “I even said I’d reward him with another five pounds if he came back within twenty minutes.”
Cassandra couldn’t respond. She couldn’t speak, couldn’t think, couldn’t act. Dear God.
This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t. It was just a nightmare from which she would soon awaken. It
had to be, because if it wasn’t – if this was real…
An unbearable ache filled her chest. Her heart seemed to struggle with each painful beat. Tears filled her eyes, blurring her vision. It wasn’t possible. She couldn’t be married to the man whose actions had led to Timothy’s death.
She refused to believe it.
“I’m sorry, Cass. I know an apology isn’t enough. I know you can’t possibly forgive me, but—”
“I want to go home.” The words left her before she could think, but once she heard them, she knew they made sense. Her world was spinning and she was falling. The only thing she believed might help her feel slightly better was Clearview.
“We can’t turn around. I’ve a cargo to deliver. There are people counting on me to do so.”
“Fine.” She wiped the tears from her eyes and clambered to her feet. “I’ll get the next ship back to London from Cape Town then.” Anything to escape him right now.
“Cass.” His tormented voice tore her soul to shreds. “I didn’t know. I didn’t realize until today.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Her voice cracked as it pushed its way past the lump in her throat. “It doesn’t change the fact that I married you.” The awfulness of it all overwhelmed her. He’d stolen the life she ought to have had, denied Penelope the right to grow up with a father. And worst of all, she’d imagined she might one day love him. “I need to go. I need to…to do something.”
He made no attempt to stop her.
She wasn’t sure where she was headed when she left the cabin. Her feet just carried her forward, away from Devlin, until she eventually found herself in the galley. “I’d like to help,” she told Mr. Talbot. “I want to keep myself busy.”
He didn’t argue. He just glanced at her and gave a quick nod.
Five minutes later she was sitting at a table, peeling carrots. Her hands moved of their own accord while her mind worked through the problem she faced. Devlin was connected to Timothy’s death in the worst way possible. She was now tied to him for the rest of her life. He owned her. And nothing could have made her angrier.
Chapter 15
If there wasone thing Devlin knew he would never forget, it was the stricken look on Cassandra’s face right after he’d made his confession. In that moment, he’d known he’d lost her forever. Hell, she wanted to leave him!
He stared at the door through which she’d vanished with a desperate desire to bring her back, to turn back time and undo all the damage he’d caused. Emotionally exhausted, he pinched the bridge of his nose. Raw skin stretched across his knuckles, causing him to wince. There was work to be done, a ship to sail, and a crew to manage. He was the captain, for Christ sake. He could not afford to take any more time to himself. Lord knew he’d taken enough already.
Grabbing his tricorn, he forced himself to ignore the sharp stabbing sensation behind his ribs as he quit the cabin. After a quick meeting to compare notes on the weather with Bronswick, he returned to the deck. Penelope was there, attempting to fly the kite he’d helped her make the day before. Devlin’s eyes stung, not from the blinding sun but from his attempt to fight back tears. He’d killed her father. The only reason he’d been able to reach for the happiness he’d always longed for – the love he’d so desperately craved – was because of the part he’d played in Ludlow’s death. And that piece of knowledge was enough to cripple him forever.
“I can’t get it to stay in the air,” Penelope called. “Will you please help me, Dev?”
He reached back, steadying himself against the bulkhead dividing the main deck from the quarterdeck. His chest squeezed until he was sure his ribs would crack. And yet, somehow, from sheer force of will, his stubborn nature enabled him to straighten himself and move forward.
