“I’m ready,” she said much sooner than he’d hoped. Then again, they couldn’t remain where they were too long, dangling from the top of a rope ladder while Penelope waited for them in the boat below.
Scoundrel, he told himself silently as they descended.Reprobate and unforgiveable rogue. One thing was certain however, and that was the fact that his crew might have to lock him away before they reached Australia, all because of a woman who’d likely drive him to madness.
It was a sad state of affairs indeed when a man’s own wife made him a prime candidate for Bedlam.
The sightsand smells of Lisbon were exotic and so different from those Cassandra was accustomed to. She could not stop from turning her head in every direction or sniffing the air as they walked.
“The air is so much fresher here than in London,” she said as they made their way through a series of narrow streets. The houses on either side weren’t necessarily nicer than those in England. Most were plainer and narrower, squeezed together in a way that ought to have seemed overcrowded. But the varying array of colors added character and the sunshine bathing the walls provided a cheerfulness London homes lacked.
“I believe the ocean carries away all the unpleasant smells,” Devlin commented. He drew Cassandra to a halt so they could wait for Penelope, who’d stopped to admire a shop window. “Not that there’s much to complain about in that way to begin with. Lisbon isn’t as industrial as London. There are fewer factories, less smoke, cleaner air.” He glanced in Penelope’s direction and smiled. “Do you see something you like?” Releasing Cassandra’s arm, he went to look at whatever it was that had caught Penelope’s attention.
Cassandra watched the pair while trying to ignore how bereft she now felt. She’d liked having her arm linked with Devlin’s and missed the sense of security his touch had provided. When she’d gotten onto that rope ladder earlier, against her will, as it were, she’d been terrified until he’d joined her. It hadn’t mattered that their combined weight had probably increased the chance of the thin rope snapping and both of them plunging into the sea. All she’d known in that moment was the strength he’d offered and the certainty she would be safe as long as he didn’t leave her.
An ache bloomed in her breast, and she swallowed the pain that had been her constant companion for so many years. Devlin was already proving to be an excellent father for Penelope and the thought of Penelope viewing him as such – of Devlin being the only father she’d ever know— made Cassandra’s eyes flood with unexpected tears.
With only good intentions, he’d stolen the role that should have belonged to Timothy. It was a stupid observation to make. Cassandra realized this and hastily brushed the tears aside before anyone had the chance to see. But she couldn’t stop the sense of loss or despair from tunneling through her. Everything Timothy had been, every promise she’d made him and every stride she’d taken to preserve his memory, was slipping between her fingers.
Penelope pointed at something Cassandra couldn’t make out. Before she was able to move in closer and see what her daughter was so enthralled by, Devlin had taken her hand and entered the shop with her.
“We’ll be right back,” he told Cassandra with scarcely a glance in her direction. Which was just as well since it gave Cassandra a much needed chance to compose herself before either returned.
They did so within five minutes and with Penelope wearing a big bright smile.
On her head, she wore a stunning bonnet of pale green silk, tastefully decorated with braided cream ribbons along each edge. It was the first bonnet Penelope had ever owned and something about it – about all of it – made Cassandra react in a way she would later regret for at least twenty reasons. But in that moment, all she could do was stand there and stare while hot anger began to swirl inside her, growing and rising until there was nothing else for it but to allow it the freedom it craved.
“What,” she asked, her voice not her own but belonging to some horrid woman she’d rather not be, “do you think you are doing?”
Devlin’s expression immediately sobered and Penelope’s smile fell away. They stopped, both of them watching her cautiously. It was clear to Cassandra that neither knew what they’d done to upset her, which made perfect sense since she hardly understood it herself.
“We bought a bonnet,” Devlin told her as if he were speaking to someone who needed her head examined. “Penelope liked it so—”
“So you decided to get it for her without bothering to consult me? Even though I’m right here?” She spread her arms out, aware she was seconds from making a scene and also knowing she ought to thank him for being so generous. But she couldn’t. The knot in her chest and the guilt continuously dogging her made her unreasonable. Which only increased her annoyance. “I’m right here, Devlin. I’m not…I’m not…” Her throat closed on a partial sob, forcing her to turn away in order to hide her mortification.
Silence followed until a soft voice spoke. “It’s just a bonnet, Mama.” Cassandra felt Penelope’s much smaller hand clasp her own. “I can return it if you like.”
Cassandra’s heart twisted as she stared down into her daughter’s face. It broke her to see how ready she was to abandon her own happiness for no other reason than to appease a mother who ought to be able to act with more dignity and understanding.
“No.” She could not allow Penelope to give up on something she wanted – something Devlin was willing to give her – just because she herself was being irrational. It wouldn’t be fair. She squeezed Penelope’s hand. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right, Mama. I understand.”
“You do?” It was a wonder since Cassandra herself was thoroughly confused by all the riotous thoughts and emotions she’d just experienced.
Penelope nodded. Her eyes were too wise and far too serious for a girl her age. “You want to hold on to the past, the present, and the future all at the same time. You want Papa to come back and for no other person to take his place.” She glanced sideways to where Devlin stood a short distance away before returning her gaze to Cassandra. “Except he’s not coming back. Not ever. So it’s time for you to let go and move on or you’ll never be truly happy. And I’d really like for you to be happy, Mama. I want it more than anything else in the world.”
It was impossible not to cry when faced with such youthful clarity. “I know. I’m sorry.” She swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand.
“What for?”
“For putting you in this position, I suppose.” When Penelope gave her an odd look, Cassandra explained, “I should be giving you advice and life lessons, not the other way around.”
Penelope’s face brightened. “Does that mean I said the right thing?”
“It certainly does. I’m very proud of you, you know. Of how grown up you’re becoming.” Although it might not be the thing to do in the middle of a public street, Cassandra pulled Penelope into her arms for a tight embrace. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Mama.” They stepped apart. Penelope nibbled her lip. “So can I keep the bonnet?”
Cassandra immediately laughed. “Yes, Penny. You may keep the bonnet.”
