Chapter Seven
It didn’t take longfor them to reach Arlington House. An hour, perhaps, by Abigail’s estimation. James didn’t say much during the journey, which was still considerably more than what she’d managed to say. His focus seemed to be on the horses, though she did feel the weight of his gaze from time to time as she looked out over the wide open fields.
Her tears had dried and her body gone completely numb.
Watching birds soar through the sky while the sun warmed her face, she wondered if life would somehow go on without her, for the truth of the matter was, she knew she had died inside today. It didn’t matter how caring James seemed or how understanding. She’d trusted Tobias and he’d betrayed her in the worst possible way. He’d stolen the anticipation she’d had for her wedding night. The very idea of being bedded now, by any man, caused bile to rise in her throat. And she wasn’t sure how she would ever be able to tell James that.
“Maybe we shouldn’t marry,” she said that evening when he came to check on her. The housekeeper, a lovely middle-aged woman named Mrs. Anderson, had shown Abigail to a pretty room furnished in pale blue colors. A maid had brought some delicious stew which Abigail had eaten while waiting for a hot bath to be drawn. Later, once she’d finished bathing, Mrs. Anderson had given her a nightgown and a robe belonging to one of the maids.
James frowned in response to Abigail’s comment and moved toward her. When she stepped away, deliberately trying to avoid his embrace, he stilled. “Why?”
There were too many answers to that question.Because I’m tarnished. Because I’m afraid I will always seehimwhen you touch me. Because you deserve so much better than me. Because...
She thought she’d gotten past being nervous when she was with James, but now, with his gaze intensely fixed upon her, her belly turned over and it was suddenly hard to breathe. Hoping to block him out, she gave him her back.
“Abby?” His voice was soft and gentle. Careful, even.
Getting the necessary words out was nearly impossible, so she was grateful when he didn’t push her to answer more quickly than she was able. Instead, he just waited, until she finally managed to say, “I don’t ever want you to hate me.”
There was a pause. A long one. And then he said. “I suppose it’s only natural for you to worry that I might do so after what happened. But the truth is, nothing in the world would be more impossible for me than to hate you, Abby. Not when I care for you as much as I do.”
He’d never told her he loved her. Then again, she’d never told him either. But in that moment, she rather wished he had. Although, to be fair, she wanted him to be honest as well. And now she would have to be honest too.
“Everything’s different now, James.” She spoke to the wall, but she knew he listened intently from somewhere behind her. “I don’t think I can...” Unable to say it, she waved one hand, as if the gesture would fill in the blanks.
“Shh... It’s all right. Just let me be your friend for now. That’s all.”
“But won’t you want to...” She waved her hand again.
“Not if you don’t.”
Air rushed from her lungs on a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
“Just get some rest for now and call me if you need anything.” She sensed him hesitate as if deciding whether or not he ought to say something more or possibly offer some show of affection. But then she heard him cross to the door between their two bedrooms. “I’m prepared to give you as much time as you need to recover from this. Our wedding night can wait until you are ready.”
“What if that day never comes?” she asked. But she spoke too late and her words were too soft for him to hear.
