He briefly considered explaining that he disagreed and that his reluctance was solely driven by his desire for more than what she was asking of him. After all, she’d said she and her friends had discussed such matters, and with Lady Cassandra’s history taken into account, he was certain Miss Howard must know a thing or two about what could happen between a man and a woman. But that wasn’t really the sort of discussion he wanted to have with her right at the moment, so he chose to say nothing and simply enjoy the rest of his meal.
For the firsttime that evening, Emily was embarrassed. After all, she’d turned him down flat when he’d offered to ask for her hand – had not even given him the chance to do his duty as a gentleman – and had then suggested they kiss some more. As if locking lips with each other was just as normal as taking a stroll through the park. “I think you ought to return to Camberly House and inform everyone that I am all right. Tell Mama and Papa that I shall write to them once I reach Clearview.” They’d finished their meal and she’d come to the conclusion that she’d rather be alone than spend more time in Lord Griffin’s company.
Wanting him was too painful when he did not want her in return. If he did, he would not have sounded so resigned earlier when he’d spoken of marrying her.
“Absolutely not. I’ll send a note to Caleb right now, informing him that I mean to escort you on your journey. Unless I’m able to talk you out of going, which would be the preferable option.”
Of course it would be. Anything to put an end to this evening’s disaster and quit her company. Emily bristled. “I am not a debutante in need of constant supervision, but a woman accustomed to managing things on her own.”
“As you proved most effectively half an hour ago in the taproom.”
She glared at him, annoyed by the note of sarcasm in his voice. “I’m sure that was due to the way I am dressed.”
He let his gaze roam over her shoulders and down across her breasts until she was tempted to block his view by pulling his jacket closed. But she didn’t, because that would show weakness – a sign of defeat – and she meant to win this argument if at all possible.
“Are you planning to change into something less…alluring before you depart?” He asked the question softly, his words sliding across her skin in the most provocative way imaginable.
Emily made a stoic attempt to ignore the hot little shivers his voice evoked. She would not let him turn her into a breathless ninny when he was so calm and collected. “I’ve nothing else with me and before you suggest it, I will not go back to my parents’ house in order to fetch my belongings before I leave.”
He frowned. “Because you fear you might find them at home by now?”
She gave a quick nod and averted her gaze. “Mama can be horribly pushy, and with my sister still unwed, she will plot a way to ensure we marry after what happened earlier. Especially if I give her the chance to do so.” Forcing herself to look at him, to show her strength and her resolve, she stared straight into his dark brown eyes. “And neither of us wants that. Do we?”
“No.” The word was gently spoken, but that did not make it less exact. Like an arrow shot with precision, it confirmed everything she already knew. And then to underline it, he added, “Marriage is the very last thing I want, and I believe it is for you as well.”
“Yes.” She would not give anything away at this point. She would not tell him that she might consider marriage if he was willing to do so, that she wouldn’t mind getting to know him better during the course of a courtship, that she would welcome the excuse to kiss him some more. Instead, she told him, “I am very content with my life and the freedom I’ve managed to acquire by living apart from Society. The last thing I want is to lose all of that by subjecting myself to a man’s will.”
“I don’t believe Mary considers herself a victim of Caleb’s high-handedness.”
“Of course not. Those two are madly in love with each other, which I do believe makes every difference.”
“And you don’t think such a match is possible for you?” He sounded curious, as if he was genuinely interested in figuring her out.
“No. At least not with the gentleman in question, who happens to be you, in case you’d forgotten.”
He looked momentarily uncomfortable. “Right.” He stood and glanced at the door. “I’m going to see about sending Caleb a note. Stay here. I won’t be long.”
And then he was gone, leaving Emily with the uncanny feeling that he’d been more bothered than he had let on by her last comment. Drat it all. She’d been horribly unkind, which wasn’t in her nature. But her nerves had been frayed by the kiss, by her mother, aunt, and sister witnessing it, and by Lord Griffin’s gentlemanly manners in the wake of it all.
The kiss had been a mistake. But it was too late for regrets now. It had happened and it had not been the marvelous experience she had hoped for. Instead, it had confirmed a huge lapse in judgment on her part, and as much as she wished to forget it, doing so would be impossible when Lord Griffin refused to leave her side.
3
There wasno logical reason for Griffin to be put out by Miss Howard’s insistence that he and she could not fall in love with each other – thatshe, more specifically, could not lovehim. But her words had speared their way through him nevertheless and caused a deep ache to form in the middle of his chest. Coupled with her low rating of their kiss, he rather felt as if he’d been kicked in the ballocks.
When he’d tried to explain that their kiss had been chaste, that he could most certainly make her feel as if fireworks were exploding all around her, she’d asked him to demonstrate, and he’d been tempted. Incredibly so. But he’d also had the clarity to acknowledge that doing so would be tremendously reckless. For while she presented herself as an unmarriageable spinster whose time for romance had passed, the fact remained that she was still young, only six and twenty years old, with the sort of beauty most men would have trouble resisting.
Marriage was possible for her, no matter how much she wished to deny it. And if the right man came along and proposed, she’d regret squandering her firsts on Griffin. Which meant he would have to keep his distance, escort her to Clearview, and leave for Vienna immediately after. This business tonight had made him realize that he’d overstayed his visit in England. It was time to leave, to put Miss Howard out of his mind and return to the life which had, until now, been both comfortable and rewarding.
So he penned a quick note to Caleb, bought a ticket for the same coach she would be taking, and returned to the room where Miss Howard waited. “There’s still five hours until the carriage departs, so I’ve taken the liberty of acquiring a bedchamber for you upstairs. It will give you a chance to sleep for a while.”
“That is…” She pressed her lips together and to his surprise her eyes conveyed a mixture of guilt and gratitude. “Thank you. After what I said to you earlier, I hardly deserve your kindness.”
He stared at her, both impressed and unsettled by her ability to set pride aside and address her mistake, for it suggested he’d not quite managed to hide the effect of her insult and that she believed he needed an apology. “You’ve had a tumultuous evening, Miss Howard.”
“That’s not an excuse.”
He sighed. “You spoke the truth and I respect that.”
