I didn’t need Dr. Patel to tell me I was a raving lunatic. That was something I knew all on my own.
“Yeah, good idea,” I lied. “I’m beat. Gonna hit the sack. Happy for you guys. Love you both.”
“We love you too,” they said in unison, and I hung up.
I felt so alone, so lost. Reaching into my bag, I pulled out my old pink spiral notebook, the one my therapist had me start a journal in. The one I still wrote letters to Colin in. At first I’d written every day. I knew he couldn’t read them obviously, but it helped me heal. Now I only wrote them whenever I was feeling like there was something I really would have wanted to talk to him about. Grabbing the pen with a shaky hand, I started to write.
Dear Colin,
Where do I begin?
I think I’m losing my mind.
I’ve come all the way to Tennessee to say goodbye to you and instead I’ve entangled myself with the man who has your heart. He’s nothing like you. In fact, he is the antithesis of you. He smokes, drinks, and hates me. He’s mean to everyone, but there’s something else there, something broken in his eyes that tells me he’s had a hard life. There are also moments of sweetness where I think he’s just a diamond that needs polishing. He reminds me of the restaurants we have saved. I think I can save him … and by doing that, I can somehow be of use to someone in this world.
I miss you so much it hurts, I wish you were here.
Millie
As I lay therein my sweaty, greasy clothes, unshowered and without bed linens, I made a promise to myself.
I would give this guy thirty days. Thirty days of the best Millie I could be. I would do it for Colin. If he wasn’t a better person with a better life by then, then he was hopeless and not worth saving.
This would be my hardest project yet, but I was determined to have a good outcome.
* * *
I awoke earlythe next morning with a new outlook.
Kill him with kindness.
That was my new motto. I was going to force Ashton to be a decent human being by reflecting my amazing and cheerful self at him.
I crept downstairs and out onto the street, before getting into my rental car and going to the farmers market. I’d had to call the rental company and get a few days extension, you know because I’d lost my mind and decided to stay here.
These motherfucking nachos were going to have some fresh onion and guacamole on them if it killed me.
Everything at the farmers market was fifty percent cheaper than in New York City. I was able to get a variety of fresh vegetables, soft cheeses, honey, coconuts and bulk grains that I could grind into my own flour blends. I was basically in chef heaven.
Before I knew it, I’d filled the back seat of my rental with baskets of food.
“Do you deliver to restaurants in bulk?” I asked the guy who helped me to my car.
He nodded. “Of course. We can set up a weekly revolving delivery if you like.”
I knew that Ashton wouldn’t reimburse me for today, but if people started ordering more food and he made more money, then maybe he would start investing a bit more.
“I’ll let you know. Thanks.”
I made one more pit stop, to a sketchy address from craigslist that was selling a fridge for a hundred dollars. For another twenty he offered to follow me to the restaurant with his truck and carry it inside.
I was feeling pretty damn proud of myself by the time I rolled into the restaurant at ten a.m. Ashton sat bleary-eyed and barely awake behind the counter. He had a stack of papers spread out before him and looked up at me as I entered.
I was wearing my floral sundress from yesterday, my only other outfit, and my hands were full of food, while Javier and his cousin from craigslist brought the fridge in behind me.
“What the fuck is all this?!” Ashton gestured wide-eyed to the food and the men.
They froze.
