Should I take the pill?
Should I take the pill?
I get close to the center, only to wind back outward, and I realize this fucking labyrinth is a metaphor for my life. Get close to having Owen, then pull back from him. Close to having my mom healed, then she gets cancer again. Get job, lose job. As I near the center, I’ve picked up the pace and I’m no closer to having an answer to my question than I was when I came here.
“Autumn, is that you?” a familiar voice pulls me from my manic thoughts just as I reach the center of the labyrinth. I look up to see Pastor Greg standing in a jogging suit, holding a rake and tree trimmers.
My eyes widen. “Oh no. Am I trespassing? I’m so sorry.”
It was barely six A.M. and I hadn’t really thought about whether I was allowed to be here or not.
Pastor Greg smiles. “Trespassing? Goodness no. It looks like you’re trying to unravel a problem in your mind.”
My shoulders slump. “Is it that obvious?”
He sets down the rake and tree trimmers and motions to a bench.
I suddenly wonder if the labyrinth brought me Pastor Greg. You could talk to these people and they wouldn’t judge you, right? Wouldn’t tell on you either? They were like a lawyer and a shrink had a baby. With some God power thrown in.
I step over the rocks that make up the labyrinth and sit on the bench next to him.
“Lovely morning,” he says, looking out at the red rocks.
I gulp. Why of all places had I come to a church? And why of all people was the pastor out here during my mental breakdown?
“Really pretty,” I agree.
I’m not going to cave. I’m not telling him anything. I’m going to wish him a good day and then text Livvie.
“Do you think God forgives abortion?” I blurt out.
To his credit, he doesn’t stiffen, doesn’t even flinch. He just slowly nods his head.
“Of course. Our Heavenly Father forgives everything if you ask for it with an open heart.”
I'm still not even sure I believe in God, but hearing him say that I could be forgiven for something that has caused me so much guilt and grief … it lifts the burden from me in that moment. Maybe that’s what I need, to forgive myself. I was young, I made a choice I didn’t really think through, and I need to forgive myself for it. I did the best that I could at the time given my circumstances and what I thought I could handle.
“It’s something I did years ago…” I feel like I need to explain. “But now I’m in a similar situation.”
A tear slips from my eye and down my cheek and Pastor Greg turns to me. “Maybe try just letting things be what they will be.”
Be what they will be.
There was something comforting in that. Not trying to control every outcome, not trying to overthink the next twenty years of my life and see what they would look like with and without a baby.
Just be what they will be.
I nod, swallowing hard. “Sorry for unloading on you like that…”
He chuckles, deep and rich. “Nature of the job.”
As I walk away from my little chat with Pastor Greg, I know two things for certain.
One, I want this baby if a baby should come of it.
Two, I’m still in love with Owen and don’t ever want to lose him again.
Chapter 19
