“Maybe we’re just destined to have a baby together.” I laugh nervously, and then regret it the moment her face falls.
“Is that what you want?” Her face is a mask of flat emotion. I can’t tell what she wants me to say. This feels like a trap. If I say yes, she feels like it’s all on her again to make the hard choice. If I say no, I’m an unsupportive asshole.
“I want what you want,” I hedge.
She crosses her arms and glares at me. “Owen, don’t do this again. Tell me what you want, not what you think I want to hear.”
She’s right.
I clear my throat. “I’d love to have a baby with you. No matter what our relationship turns out to be, I’d always be there to support you and the child.”
Her eyes widen like she’s shocked at my answer and I suddenly feel self-conscious. “But I mean, if you take the pill that would be fine too. Whatever you decide.”
She’s quiet for a moment, staring down at the package. “You’re a sweet man, Owen Miller. I’m not sure I deserve you.”
Her words crush me. What have I done wrong that she doesn’t realize her worth? That she doesn’t see how lucky I am to have her?
“Autumn, look at me.” I hold her gaze and she swallows hard.
“I stood drunk in your dorm room and called you a murderer in front of your entire floor. And you forgave me. It’s me who doesn’t deserve you.”
Tears well in her eyes, before she chuckles. “Making friends was a bit of a challenge after that. Not gonna lie.”
She’s trying to joke but guilt threads through me as I reach out and take her hands in mine, pulling them up to my lips so that I can kiss her fingers. “This isn’t like last time. You have seventy-four hours to decide which path you want to take.”
She nods, and I can see the terrified deer-in-headlights look in her eyes.
“Want me to leave you some time alone? Or…” I want to be supportive of whatever she needs without smothering her.
She shakes her head. “Stay the night?”
Relief crashes through me. This time is different. It’s going to be okay, we’re going to be okay. But I don’t like the way she’s looking at the cardboard pill box. Like she can’t wait until she’s alone so she can take it. Maybe that’s why she asked me to stay, so she can put off the irreparable decision for just a little longer.
I’m too scared to ask her what she wants to do about the situation … so I don’t.
Chapter 18
Autumn
I couldn’t sleeplast night, even in Owen’s arms. I just kept thinking about that fucking pill in my purse.
Plan B.
More likePlan WTF.
How did I get myself into this situation AGAIN? It’s like Owen looks at me andboom, I’m pregnant. One session of wall sex in my childhood bedroom and a broken condom later and now I can’t sleep.
Owen’s chest rises and falls at my back in a hypnotic rhythm, but I can’t lie here any longer. Instead I’m thinking of sore breasts, swollen feet, and an adorable baby with Owen’s eyes and my smile.
Do I want a baby?
After the abortion so long ago, I hadn't allowed myself to dream of having a baby one day, in the way most women I know dream of it. It felt so out of reach, maybe even something not allowed to a person who'd made the kind of choice I had.You didn't want a baby back then? Then you don't get one ever.
That's not how the universe works, and I know that, but guilt is a multi-pronged weapon.
Instead of thinking of Owen and I in domestic bliss with a baby, I can’t stop thinking about everything going wrong in my life.
My mother is battling cancer for the third time.
