It seems like my mom had a secret. Someone nobody knew about.
Someone who is here now at her celebration of life, or was at least here long enough to place this note on her casket. I look around, as if they could be hiding in the shadows somewhere. Of course, there is nobody here. Only me. And the body that once housed my mother. I'm still not sure what I believe, but I'd like to think her soul has moved on to heaven. It's a peaceful idea, one that helps me believe she still exists, just in another form.
I decide not to read the note, instead slipping it in with the flowers and allowing my mom’s secret to lay to rest with her.
I press my lips to my fingers, then place the kiss on the top of the casket. "Bye, Mom. I love you." I still don't feel her here, but it seems like the right thing to do and I realize that nothing can make me feel better right now. I just need to live through this and take it day by day.
I find Owen out front. He is chatting with people. They have all heard he was my mom's oncologist, and it's turned him into a sought-after discussion partner. I see him talking to Linda, my mom’s chemo buddy. She survived. She survived and my mom didn’t. I’m happy for her, of course, but it really hits home what a beast cancer is. It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor or have a family. It takes anyone it wants.
"You're like a celebrity," I murmur into his ear after Linda gives me a small smile and walks away.
"Z list," he says, kissing my temple. "Livvie said to tell you goodbye. She had somewhere she had to be."
The sun is hot, and I'm listless. How am I supposed to walk away? Get in Owen's car and drive back to my mom's house? Wake up in the morning and do what? The person who brought me here, who drank my green juice and ate the gluten free, kale-infused food I prepared, doesn't need those things anymore. What now?
"Are you ready?" Owen squeezes my hand.
"I suppose so." My voice shakes as I gather my hair off the back of my neck and move it so it drapes over one shoulder. "We should say goodbye to Pastor Greg."
We find the pastor standing with two other men. One man speaks, his arms moving animatedly like he's telling a story.
We make our way to him, and I touch his elbow to get his attention. Turning to me, he smiles and steps away from the conversation, nodding to the two men as he goes.
His eyes are red like he's been crying, and I’m touched he would care for a member of his congregation so much.
I extend a hand to him. "Thank you for the beautiful service."
Reaching out, he shakes it. "Your mom was a very special member of our congregation. Heaven gained an angel, that's for sure."
I smile. "Yes."
"We'd love to see you around here more often. You're welcome anytime."
I blink at the invitation, not sure what to say. I promised to go next Sunday, but the Sunday after that and after that? I’m not sure. What God lets my mother get cancer and be taken from me? I’m in the anger phase of grief. "I'm a work in progress right now."
He chuckles. "Aren't we all?"
"Pastor Greg?" An old woman walks up. "Your daughter called the church phone. She says you were supposed to pick up your granddaughter for ice cream a few minutes ago."
He makes a face. "Shoot! Can you please tell her I lost track of time and I'll be there soon?" He reaches down and peels the sleeve of his jacket up, peering at a two-toned watch that makes goosebumps break out on my arms. It’s the watch.
The watch.
The one from my mom’s … it’s his?
My eyes widen.
A brief look of panic skips across his face as he sees me looking intently at the watch and he quickly replaces it with a smile. "Don't be a stranger. You either," he adds, his eyes jumping over to Owen.
As he walks away, I stay rooted in place and I don't move until Owen pulls me along.
"Are you okay?" he asks, glancing back at me.
"The two-toned watch belongs to the pastor…"
"What watch?"
"The watch I found in the kitchen. The watch my mom said was yours. But then you said it wasn't and I forgot about it." My mom’s secret lover, the man who left the note … was Pastor Greg? Did she give him back his watch when he came to the house to see her?
