I wrestled with what to do all the way up to his room. When I knocked and stepped in, James was sitting by his bed and Ethan looked up at me.
“Hailey,” he breathed, “it’s good to see you. I’m so sorry if I scared you.”
I frowned and looked at James. He didn’t remember seeing me earlier?
“Buddy, Hailey’s already been in to see you,” he told Ethan, and then looked at me. “Nurse said as the anesthesia wears off he might be repeating the same thing. Memory will be fuzzy.”
Oh my God.It hit me like a Mack truck. He didn’t remember confessing his love for me … that I’d said it back.
Maybe it was better this way, maybe it was a sign from the universe. I could make a clean break before it got serious, before Bryce killed him.
“Hey.” I moved towards the bed, my mind running a mile a minute as I tried to keep from crying. I hadn’t even left yet and I was already mourning him.
I was one hundred-percent certain that Ethan was the love of my life … and I was going to walk away to keep him safe.
OceanofPDF.com
Thirteen
The next month was hell. Absolute fucking hell. Bryce texted me every Friday night at 7PM. Always the same sentence.How’s Ethan?Any cop would see it and think he was being caring, but I saw it for what it was: a threat. I never responded. Over the last month, I helped Ethan recover at home while he hobbled around the shop and tried to keep up with business. I couldn’t leave him while he was down and injured, it just wasn’t in me. But today he’d gotten his first cast off and moved into a less restrictive one without all of the pins and crazy stuff. He’d be more mobile, and he was off pain pills and just taking ibuprofen.
Today I could leave and not have the guilt gnaw at me for the rest of my life. He knew something was weird with me, but hadn’t really brought it up. He’d ask me to sleep in his bed and I would decline and say that I had homework or wanted to be alone. I was trying to protect myself, keep my heart from falling deeper in love with him.
Ethan was so lovable.
We’d never spoken about the accident and who we thought did it. He chalked it up to a random hit and run and I didn’t want to put anything in his head. James hadn’t said a word either, and the police had turned up no leads.
“Where is your head right now?” he asked me as I played with my food at the dining table. I’d made homemade lasagna, a final meal before I left him to his own devices. I’d have to go back to the youth hostel. I’d already booked my room for tonight. I just needed to get the nerve to break up with him.
“Hailey?” he asked again.
Fuck.
“You’ve been so distant since my accident…” He trailed off and suddenly I knew it was time. I had to do this. Bryce had been radio silent lately except for the weekly texts. But he’d done that before and then he just showed up wherever I was.
I stood, letting my fork fall to my plate, and stared at the corner of the wall. I had to make this look real or he would never buy it. “Ethan … I’ve been thinking a lot since your accident. I don’t think I’m ready for this kind of serious commitment. I just got out of a marriage and moved in with another guy. I need time to find myself and so I think it’s best if I move out. If we break up.”
Silence.
“You’re not even going to look at me when you break up with me?” His voice was like gravel, and no matter how hard I tried to keep them back, the tears spilled onto my cheeks.
I flicked my eyes to his, figuring I at least owed him the common decency of eye contact, and quickly realized it was a mistake to look at him. There was so much emotion swirling behind those blue eyes it nearly knocked me over. Ethan stood, gripping the edge of the table to steady himself, and faced off with me.
“I’m in love with you,” he declared for the second time, but to his knowledge only the first, and more tears leaked from my eyes. “If you want space, if you want to move out and try to go slower, I can totally do that, but I can’t undo the fact that I’ve fallen madly in love with you.”
A whimper left my throat as I gathered the courage to speak. “Ethan…” I stroked his cheek. “You saved me. I don’t think you will ever know how much you pulled me up out of the darkness.”
He clasped his hand over mine and smiled in a tortured way.
“But I don’t love you back.”
I went for the kill and wiped the smile off his face. “I’m just not ready for love right now and I think we should be friends.”
The complete and utter shock that marred his features socked me right in the gut. He was not ready for this; he hadnotbeen expecting this.
“Okay…” He pulled back, looking hurt, looking livid.
I couldn’t breathe. “I’m sorry.”
