Let me tell you about your mother. Her love for you knew no bounds while you were inside her. She nourished you with her body. Protected you with her heart. And made the medical team promise they would put your life first. She made me promise, too, but how could I choose between the two of you?
In the end, I’m glad I didn’t have to.
Your mother is amazing. She’s my hero. And maybe she’ll be yours too.
I can’t wait until this afternoon when I get to commit myself to her forever, and call her my wife.
Maevy-wavy, you and your mother are what I live for.
Love always,
Daddy.
P.S. While your amazing mom fills your baby book with the prettiest photographs of you, I’m collecting the stinkers and saving them for your twenty-first birthday party. I’m gonna have them all enlarged and wallpaper the walls with them! *Cue dastardly laughter here*
Epilogue
Ryan
“Have you seen this?” A curious-looking smile plays on Letty’s mouth as she holds out her phone.
We’re standing on the terrace of Matt’s—ofour—vacation home, situated close to one of the most charmingpueblos blancos, or white villages, in southern Spain. Set among olive and citrus groves with views of mountain ranges and undulating valleys, the house—or rather, estate—is so beautiful. Full of ancient Moorish accents and vibrant bougainvillea tumbling down sun-drenched walls, it’s become our haven.
The sky is azure, the sun so bright, and the air is fragrant with the smell of bitter orange blossoms. It’s a perfect day to get married.
It’s been nine busy months since my world imploded. Nine months since fear made me pull the pin on self-destruct. At least until Mother Earth stepped in to finish me off.
Or rather show me I was worth fighting for.
And I did fight. I fought for my life, and my body fought for Maeve’s. And when we both came out on the other side, I learned to fight for Matt’s love in place of fighting against it.
As harrowing as my birth experience was, it was also humbling.Get over yourself,the world seemed to say.Rest. Get well. You’reneeded here.And from thinking I deserved to be alone, I was suddenly surrounded by love. And stuck in a hospital bed, unable to run away from it!
Matt never left my side, and his loved ones rallied too. They brought words of hope and joined us in our silent prayers for Maeve, fingers pressed to the windows of the NICU.
What I’d felt before her birth, my insecurities, self-loathing, and hurt—they weren’t cured by those days. But the sense of perspective I felt when we were allowed to take her home certainly helped. Everything else seemed so unimportant, so inconsequential, after I’d bargained with God and offered my life for hers. I’d do that again in a heartbeat—and it was that love that made me set my baggage down.
Have I forgiven myself for my part in my mother’s death? Not entirely. But I have reached the point where I recognize I might’ve been the knife, but I wasn’t the hand.
I look forward now, not back, trusting that life is made in the living of it, through both the good and the bad. And that love is made in the doing of it. And if Matt’s love has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t love someone for their perfection. You love them in spite of everything they’re not.
It’s a lesson that’s been hard to learn, and I guess I’m still learning it. There are moments when old patterns creep back in. Sometimes when we argue—and we do argue, because we’re not perfect—I can feel myself closing off. Drawing away. But then I remember it’s just a moment. An experience. It doesn’t mean it’s the end of us. That I have to go it alone.
And when he tells me he loves me, I remind myself I’m worth his love.
“You gonna read that or what?”
“What? Oh, yeah.” I glance down at Letty’s phone.And the online edition of a newspaper?A gossip column, judging from the byline.
A Little Bird Told Us ...
Gather round, little cluckers. Let us bow our heads and reflect.
Stop all texts and close down email,
Silence the notifications on your phone.
Our time, our opportunities, have passed.
