Anger seems to leap up my throat. “That’s not your choice to make,” I say, pulling back to stare at him. “I won’t have his death on my conscience. Or yours or Luis’s, for that matter. That was Luis kicking him in the head, wasn’t it?”
It was all such a blur—I can only see it in flashes. Fragments. The look on his face, his thigh wedged hard between mine. Black spots and white as he’d backhanded me. Then Raif, the hard set of his face and his softly delivered words. My body shakingso violently, I thought my insides might revolt. Then dull thuds and grunts of exertion as I screwed my eyes tight, shock and adrenaline crashing my system.
“What do you want me to say, Lavender?”
“That you won’t harm him.”
“Not even like he harmed you?”
“Don’t say that.” One abhorrent violence does not deserve another.
“It’s not that he didn’t understand,” Raif says softly. “He wasn’t confused. He didn’t think you owed him your virginity. It was simply that he didn’t care for your answer, for your feelings, your distress, for your pain. Ask yourself why you should care what happens to him now.”
“I don’t care, but that doesn’t mean I want him dead. I want him away, somewhere else. I want to never set eyes on him again.”
“And what if this is a pattern?”
I put my hands over my ears. “Don’t. I can’t do this.”
“I’m sorry.” Raif pulls me to him again. “Ah, Lavender.”
“Promise me you’re listening. That you won’t…”
His chest rises and falls deeply with his answer. “Okay.”
“Promise me that you won’t tell anyone else about what happened. Then or now.”
“What about Primrose?”
“She doesn’t know about before, but she’s not stupid. Anyway, she’s promised not to talk about it.”
“And Tod?”
“I’ll speak to him.”
“No. Let me. But this is not your shame, Lavender.”
“I know that, but I won’t hurt them. My family. And that’s what telling them would do. Bring recriminations and regret, and I’ve had enough of those for a lifetime.”
32
RAIF
Days pass.Weeks. Then one month. Lavender, Daisy, and I settle into a routine. Breakfasts together. Dinners. Grown-up evenings out where I introduce her to those people of questionable tastes and heavy pockets, as I promised.
Lavender’s business booms, and that makes her so happy. She begins to relax and jumps less at the slightest noise.The sound of a car door slamming. Kids yelling in the street.That she reacts that way at all makes me feel sad. Angry. Fucking impotent.
I can’t change her experiences, but I can choose not to add to them.Choice being the operative word. Selfishness being another, more compelling voice.
Since that night in the gallery, I’ve found myself taking a closer interest in debt collection meetings. Some days, I’m just plain fucking angry. That she suffered. That no one noticed. On these days, my muscles seem to hum like electricity without an outlet. Those are days of violence. Broken noses. Hands. Arms. But only for those who offered broken promises.
Daisy’s father takes his settlement, which is one less problem. All that remains is for him to stop turning up for visitation and drop out of our lives. It’s only a matter of time.
As for Lavender, I should’ve told her the truth now that Daisy’s future is safe. But then she wouldn’t need me. And she’d leave.As she should.
I don’t want to be the second man in her life to hurt her, so I tell myself I’m doing this for Daisy, that she’d already lightened that little girl’s life so much. But the truth feels much more complicated than that.
Eleven months left. What happens after… I can’t think about it. All I know is this selfish need to keep her close.
