I halt as Polly lifts a negligent hand to wave away my words. “I’m not here to play the injured party, Lavender. Your life is your own, and I would much rather you not let the thought of other people affect your happiness.”
“Thank you,” I say, my voice sounding small.
“Grab joy where and when you can.”
My lips begin to tip with a dirty thought. Next time I make a grab for Raif’s junk, should I tell him my mother said I was allowed? I have a feeling his penis will make me very joyful. The man attached to it doesn’t make me feel too bad.
Even if he isn’t exactly good himself, says a little voice inside me. What he did…
I glance Daisy’s way. Maybe I’d do the same. And just look at her now, so mucky and carefree. Not that I think I’ve solved all her anxieties.
“But that’s not to say I don’t worry. It is very sudden.”
Here it comes.
“When you know, you know.”
“Yes, you already said that.”
“It’s not even the age difference. It’s more that you can’t really know him.”
“I know him well enough,” I say quietly. Enough to know that none of this is meant to be real. Enough to keep up my guard, no matter how good he makes me feel.
Unlike with Tod, I won’t be fooled by pretty pictures in my head.
“I’m sure you think you do, but marriage is hard, Lavender. Even when you really love someone.”
I refrain from commenting. I won’t say I love Raif when we’re both aware that I barely know him.
“Well, darling, I suppose that’s what I came to say. And that I’m here. Whatever happens, I’m here. You’re my daughter, and I love you fiercely. I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye, but please don’t shut me out.”
My gaze dips to the tips of my shoes, the only thing not matching my painting outfit. “I know I haven’t been the easiest to parent.” Screwing my eyes tight, I shut out the beginnings of those bubbling feelings of inadequacy.
Why does Lavender have to behave like this?
Why does she have to be so much trouble?
It’s always been the million-dollar question, hasn’t it?
“But I’m a grown-up now. You don’t have to worry about me.”
Mum’s gaze slides to Daisy, a sad smile playing across her lips. “That’s not how parenting works.” Her gaze returns. “You might find that out yourself.”
But I’m not Daisy’s mum. I won’t be any sort of parent to her. But I can and I will be here for her. While I’m here, at least. I’ll leave her with good memories of me. Who knows, maybe Raif and I will end up being friends after this. But I don’t think so. It would be too awkward after my dowry-sized golden handshake. I haven’t even slept with him yet, but I know I won’t be able to see him with other women. I’d be lying to myself if I thought otherwise.
I stretch, my shoulders brushing the sun-warmed bricks. “I thought you might’ve popped in to take me to lunch,” I say flippantly.
“It looks like you have your hands full today.” Her expression is fond as she takes Daisy in.
“She’s a sweet kid.”
“They all are at this age. They don’t turn to monsters until they reach double digits.”
She won’t be my problem then. She isn’t really my problem now. I’m just helping out.
“Do you know if Primrose is home for dinner?” she asks, scooping up her bag.
“No idea.”
