‘I really don’t think you’re cut out for the online dating jungle.’ Vee frowns sort of hesitatingly over at me. ‘The words Christians, throwing and lions spring to mind.’
‘Nonsense, I’ll be fine. And Jeremy from DeHoare Private Bank is expecting to meet me tomorrow for a drink.’
‘No! Not drinks for a first date!’ she cries. ‘Daylight and a coffee shop, which means you can cut it to ten minutes if it’s not working for you or let it run longer if you’re having fun. And preferably a place with multiple exits, if you can, in case you need to escape on the sly.’
‘That all seems very complicated. It’s just a drink in a pub.’
‘On Saturday night. Heather, Saturday nights are reserved for friends and people you’ve already met in real life.’
‘That’s ridiculous.’
‘I don’t make the rules. It’s just the way London dating life is. If you’re available to meet a virtual stranger on any given Saturday evening, you’re either sayingI have no lifeorI want to have sex.’
I eye my friend critically. I know she lives this life, casual dating and sometimes casual sex, but I also know she never gives any man a chance. Should I be taking dating tips from her?
‘Look, what’s done is done. Just be sure to give me a call if you need to escape.’
‘Now you’re just being melodramatic.’
‘No, I’m being serious. There are some real creeps out there.’
‘How creepy can he be? He works for DeHoare, for goodness’ sakes! He’s a banker, just one step up in terms of excitement stakes from a civil servant!’
‘Creeps come in all shapes, sizes, careers, and bank balances. And if he’s available for a first date on a Saturday evening, chances are he’s probably a creep. Or he’s looking for sex. Possibly both.’
‘He looked very normal on his profile.’
‘They never look like they do on their profile,’ Daisy chirps.
‘Dais, you’ve been engaged to the same man since you were a baby. You’ve never even downloaded a dating app on your phone.’
‘True, but I work with lots of people who have, and I hate to say it, but I’ve heard some horror stories in the staff room from both men and women.’
‘If you’re really going to do this, and I know you are because you’re stubborn, you need to remember the rule of fives,’ Vee advises sternly. ‘You need to see at least five candid images of them to be certain they look like they imply they do, often by virtue of being good with camera angles or using photos from years ago. Also, you should always minus five inches from their height and add five years to their age.’
‘Look, I’m not interested in what they look like. I’m not looking to fall in love. I just want to get my feet wet a bit.’
‘It’s not wet feet men are looking for. Although, I have come across one or two with a thing for feet.’
‘Eww. I can’t see how it’ll even come to that. We’re talking about a succession of first dates, not an intimate friendship when you divulge these sorts of things.’
‘You poor, sweet deluded fool.’
‘If you’re trying to frighten me, it’s not working, Vee. Men can’t all be bad, can they? Look at Daisy all coupled up and in love. And Barney is a good sort. Hell, even Archer! He’s upfront about not wanting to get involved beyond sex. No one can fault him for that.’
‘You never talk about your love life,’ Daisy says quietly. ‘I do wonder what makes you so resistant to getting involved.’
‘I suppose I just haven’t found the right one.’
‘But you’ve dated lots of nice men,’ Daisy persists. ‘You just haven’t dated them for very long.’
‘Okay, so I have trust issues.’ Vee leans forward, grabbing a stuffed Piquante pepper and popping it into her mouth.
‘But why do you?’ Daisy persists.
Vee laughs without humour. ‘You mean, apart from growing up with an absent father and a revolving succession of men going in and out of your mother’s bedroom door, shortly followed by her drunken wailing and overplaying of Queen’s “Love of My Life”, and her occasional suicide attempts. Or could it be because I longed for the opposite, devoting myself to the first and only boy I’ve ever loved, even following him to the same university.’
‘Why do we not know this stuff?’ I ask gently.
