‘Why are you telling me all this? It’s not kindness, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t because I brought you a cupcake.’ Even if she is a fiend for sugar.
‘The way I see it, you asked a favour of me, and now I’m about to ask a favour of you in return. I thought we might help each other out.’
I say nothing.
‘I can’t go to this wedding alone.’
‘So don’t go.’ I shrug tightly, my lunch turning to lead in my gut.
‘I also refuse tonotgo.’
‘So you’ve said, even if I still don’t understand why.’ Except Haydn has something to do with it. Were him and her a thing? According to Jay, no. Which means he’s what? Hassling her?
‘My reasons are my own.’ Avoiding my eyes, she begins to gather the remains of her lunch.
‘Right, so I’m gonna hazard a few wild guesses here because we’re going ’round in circles, and I have back-to-back meetings this afternoon. One, your boss doesn’t like that you’ve got a boyfriend, and he’s been a dick about it.’
‘What?’
‘Two, only now you’ve split up with your boyfriend, but you don’t want your boss to know. And I can also guess why. You know that’s what HR is for, though, right? Three, you feel you need to go to this wedding for reasons I don’t fucking know. On target so far?’ I don’t get an answer, but as she looks like someone has just glued her feet to the floor, I must have hit some of the high points. ‘My issue is, I don’t know what the fuck all this has got to do with me.’
Heather blinks for several long, loaded beats. Her words, when they eventually come, are halting and awkward.
‘I want you to be my plus one to this wedding. For you to pretend to be interested in me. Sexually, I mean.’
‘If you’re looking for someone to take the place of your boyfriend, I think you mean romantically. Boyfriends equal romance. Hookups equal fucking.’
‘Yes, that too.’ Her cheeks, already flushed from the cold, turn even redder. ‘The romance thing.’
‘I get it now. You think you can threaten to what? Tell?’ I make poncy air quotes around the words. ‘Well, excuse me for saying so, but your leverage is pretty piss poor.’
‘Oh, you wish.’ Her burst of rasping laughter is anything but happy. ‘You think I’m the only one with problems? I have news for you,Archie, your circumstances are pretty shitty, too. Do you know Lambeth has a thing for Allison? Oh, yeah. He takes her to lunch every Friday, and there’s also an Ascot trip every year. I bet he even buys her a stupid hat. But Allison? Well, Allison likes the young bucks, not older men it would seem. More specifically, she has the hots for you. For how long, who knows. And the same goes for how long she’ll keep from telling him about you and his darling Clara.’
‘How many times do I have to say this? Nothing happened with Clara.’
‘But she wanted it to, right? I saw her stroking your arm and engaging in a little footsie. There was nothing ambiguous about that.’
‘Nothing happened and I have nothing to hide.’
‘It doesn’t really matter, though, does it? Allison knows Clara likes you, and two plus two makes twenty-two when you work at E11even. There’s no smoke without fire and all that.’
‘So that’s it. Blackmail.’
‘I prefer to think of it as self-preservation. For both of us. You’ll provide me with a boyfriend and yourself with an alibi to Clara, and Allison, and Lambeth, and anyone else who needs convincing.’
‘Yep, still blackmail. Who knew you had in in you, little miss high and mighty?’
‘You can think what you like about me,’ she answers primly.
‘Oh, I do.’ I allow my gaze to roam over, more appraising than greedy, no matter how cute she is. ‘I don’t know why, but I thought you were better than that.’
‘Oh, please,’ she snipes back. ‘Don’t try to belittle me, not when we both know you have the moral fibre of a Danish pastry.
‘I’m just as tasty, too.’ She looks about to explode when I send her a cheeky wink. ‘You really think you can persuade more than a hundred people that you have a thing for me?’ It’s almost laughable. ‘You can barely stand me.’
‘I think I’ll manage,’ she answers primly. ‘And I’ll expect you do the same. We’ll say we’ve been dating secretly for a while and that’ll give you a little breathing space from one or both of your problems. Then we’ll break up on good terms in a few weeks, but you won’t date anyone from work out of respect for me. You’ll get to work in peace and concentrate on your career with the perfect brush-off for those who’re having a hard time hearing you say no.’
‘And you?’
