How on earth did things turn so sombre?
‘What a mess.’ I lean back in my chair, lifting my hands to straighten my ponytail. ‘Is it too much to ask the universe for a little help? All I ever wanted was to find someone kind and faithful. Someone who like me enough to let me order pizza with the toppings I like. Someone who’ll bring me a cup of tea when I’ve got a cold and a hot water bottle when I’ve got cramps, yet still fancy me enough to handcuff me to the bedpost and give me a really good seeing to every now and again?’
‘You deviant,’ Heather exclaims through her giggles.
Though it was meant as a joke, a moment to lift the cloud of worry from our little table, a moment of levity for my cousin’s ears, somehow my statement causes a twentysomething man to stumble as he passes our table. He straightens and looks down at the floor as though looking for the cause of his stumble. When he straightens, he sends a megawatt smile my way. Cute in that city finance boy way, he would ordinarily be my type. Sharp suit and a cocky grin and smooth enough to talk you into most things.
It’s just a pity he’s a couple of months late.
‘You’re in luck, darlin’.’
‘And you’re at the wrong table,’ I reply mildly, barely looking up.
‘Now, hear me out.’ He pulls his hand from his pants pocket, making a placating gesture with his free hand, the other still wrapped around his pint of lager.
‘You’re wasting your time.’ My tone goes from politely disinterested to bored.
‘But I could be the answer to all your problems.’
‘Or you could, like, not take a hint,’ Heather mutters under her breath.
‘Babe, just imagine if we were to have sex—’
‘You imagine it.’ I lift my head, giving him my full attention now, my delivery so cold, I’m surprised it doesn’t create icicles. ‘Because that’s the closest you’re ever going to get.’ I turn to Heather again.
‘I’ve got handcuffs,’ he sort of singsongs.
‘And I’ve got a cock.’ This time, I shoot him a smile that isn’t truly a smile. It’s more like a flash of teeth and gums. ‘And I like to be on top.’
‘You’re ... you’ve...’ Uncertain how to continue, city boy takes a mouthful of his drink.
‘Even chicks with dicks need loving,’ Heather pipes up with a straight face.
Thankfully, we can barely see him for the dust created by his exit, causing us both to break out in a cackling kind of laughter.
‘You know something?’ Heather begins, once our mirth starts to peter out. ‘Once upon a time, you would’ve been fluttering your lashes at him. He was just your type.’
‘Ha, as if,’ I reply, running my fingers under my eyelids to even out any eyeliner smudges. ‘Well, maybe,’ I add upon reflection. ‘But I’ve got enough going on in my life right now.’
‘I don’t think that’s it.’ She tilts her head as though considering her words, or maybe me. ‘I think it’s because your tastes have changed.’
‘Maybe,’ I concede.
‘I think you’re interested in a new type. In fact, one model in particular.’
‘I can see where you’re going with this,’ I answer with a wry smile, ‘and it’s not helping.’ Because he’s way out of my league, relationship wise.
‘You’re just not seeing things as they really are. Your life isn’t in bits. You’re just on the precipice of a change. Humans are fundamentally resistant to change, you know.’
‘Well, this human has to pee. Do you want to go soon, or order another cup of tea?’
‘Hmm. I think another cuppa for you and a real drink for me because I’ve earned it. I’ll keep yours on ice for the next few months.’
‘Urgh. So unfair.’
‘I’ll let you sniff it, if you like.’
‘Wonderful,’ I deadpan. ‘Order me a green tea in the meantime.’
