‘Or she.’
‘Shush, woman! When our child is born, I’ll transfer the deed into hisorher name. Andyouwill be responsible for keeping the investment for him. Or her. What you do with it is up to you. You can live in it with Harry, or you can rent it out and use the income to help pay your own rent. Or mortgage. Whichever. Though, quite frankly, that seems a little ridiculous when this place is perfect. There are parklands and excellent schooling nearby, and it’s pink for goodness sakes!’
‘I can’t take it.’ Her expression firms as she leans over, placing her hand on the penis head. Thehead, not my head. ‘I can’t, James.’
‘I’m not giving it to you. I’m just entrusting it to you for our child. Stop being so bloody pig headed. You need somewhere to live. Some sort of permanence. Somewhere you can nest.’
‘I’m not a bird.’ This time, she doesn’t even bother touching my dick.
Thedick, I mean. I set it down on the coffee table, then sit back with a sigh.
‘We can’t keep on like this. And I’m a little tired of being treated like your own personal travel sex toy.’ Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d ever utter. Do travel toys come in regular sizes, or only small ones, I wonder? Not that it matters. Have penis, will travel for this women, despite my currently much aggrieved tone.
‘I don’t treat you like... like ... badly.’
‘Like a vibrator? Perhaps not intentionally, but if I want to see you, I’m at the whim of your job, and you don’t like visiting me here atmyhome. We hardly go out together, as a couple or not, because you worry we might be spotted. I’m beginning to feel like your dirty little secret.’
These are our truths unacknowledged until now. Perhaps not even realised until the moment the words launch from my mouth.
‘I... I know.’ Her shoulders slump as she exhales heavily. And this wasn’t the answer I was expecting. What could be the issue? ‘You and I, we’re—’
‘If the end of that sentence isnot suited, I’m going to withhold the D. Indefinitely. And I don’t mean the one on the table.’
‘I was going to say that we’re getting on well. That we have this huge amount of mutuallikegoing on between us.’Like. I can work with that. It’s promising.‘And I enjoy spending time with you. You’re smart and charming and you make me laugh. You make me feel a whole heap of stuff, and a lot of those things I’m feeling are brand new.’More than promising. I’m feeling confident now. Feeling good.‘But whether you agree with me or not, wearedifferent. And this is no more apparent than when I step into this house.’
Annnd, not so good again.‘I’m not sure I follow.’ It’s just a house. Bricks and mortar and money. An investment. I don’t even spend long enough here to call the place a home. It’s a status symbol erection—a concrete dick!
‘You live in a house with two kitchens, James. You have four or five floors? I’m not even sure. There are countless rooms, a gym, and a subterranean pool. There’s art on the walls and fancy furniture,’ she says, throwing out her arm. ‘And you sneer at the mention of Ikea. You have cleaners and gardeners and even someone who comes in weekly to tend to your indoor plants. And your housekeeper dresses nicer than me!’
‘That’s not true,’ I reply, running my hand over her knee where the hem of her skirt lies. ‘I’m sure Sandy has nothing as nice as this. In fact, no one has any item of clothing I’m interested in getting under. No one but you.’
And it’s not just your clothes I want to get under. I want to get under your skin. I want to crawl under your ribs and wrap myself around your heart. Can one touch convey that? One look? Maybe not.
‘I feel like this house is a huge fence or a wall; a demarcation line between your world and mine. And when you invite me around for dinner, you don’t pop into Sainsbury’s for a couple of steaks or a pizza, you get Sandy to cook. And she leaves the fridge full of breakfast things which just makes me feel odd.’
‘Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, Miranda. And you’ve been so sickly lately I wanted to give you the best start to your day.’ This conversation is asinine. Can’t she hear what I’m saying?
‘So have a loaf of bread in the cupboard! You don’t need to provide yoghurt made from goats that live at the base of the Himalayas, goats that are fed on a diet of basil and kale. And homemade granola? Come on, James, I’m sure Sandy has much better things to do with her time than bake oats and nuts.’
‘Right. So, no nuts.’
‘Are you saying it like that because you think I’m one?’
No comment. ‘Actually, I’m not finished.’
‘Oh, God. What else?’
‘Miranda, I want you to move in with me.’
32
Miranda
‘You’re funny.’And either really dumb or really clever. Right now, I’m not sure which.
‘If by funny you mean serious, then yes, I am.’
‘Don’t buy me a house. You buy me a house—’
