‘What the fuck do you want me to say? It’s not me!’ he yells passionately. ‘It’s some woman who works for you, sucking off some random bloke in the dark. You can’t tell who it is, for fuck’s sake. Have you asked her?’
I shake my head. Of course I’ve called—repeatedly. But she’s not answering her phone. Guilt riddled, maybe? Or maybe she only gives blowjobs, never really giving a fuck about anything, other than perhaps professionally.
‘So you’re okay to accuse me? The man you professed love for last night? But you haven’t asked the one person in this wecanidentify?’
Identify her by her dark hair concealing his hand. Identify her by the familiar roll of her eyes, the practiced look of ecstasy. And by the way she stares up at him pleadingly.
More. Deeper. Harder. Give it to me.
‘She won’t take my call,’ I say between gritted teeth.
‘So let’s go visit her,’ he demands, pushing to his feet.
‘I don’t know where she lives! She moved last month, and I haven’t updated her file.’
‘Right, so. What are we going to do then? Because this needs sorting the fuck out. That isn’t me, Chastity.’ His hand shakes a little as he pushes it through his hair. ‘The fuck it isn’t.’
I stand myself, feeling like I could run a hundred miles just to get away for myself. From him. From this situation. My mind swirls with hurt, anger, and confusion—am I being used again? Why me? Why now? What did I do to deserve to be duped again?
‘I don’t know what you’re going to do.’ My voice is devoid of emotion because that shit? It’s brimming in side. Brimming. Boiling. Ready to burst like a volcano.
‘Where are you going?’ He catches my arm as I turn away.
‘I’m going to bed,’ I say calmly.
‘So that’s it then?’ Flynn’s expression hardens into something I’ve never seen before, his anger barely restrained as I pull free. I turn at the bottom of the pale wooden stairs just as he begins to pace, anger the source and the fuel of his sudden motion. ‘You’ve made up your mind,’ he half yells, dragging his hands through his hair again, making it stand on end. ‘I’m guilty and that is fucking that?’
‘I can’t argue with facts. With proof.’ I can’t think about what Sophia might say—can’t live on that hope when there’s a risk it’ll be for nothing.
Was he always this good at acting? Was she?
‘Fuck proof,’ he spits. ‘I’m standing in front of you—the man who loves you. And you don’t believe me.’
‘Tell me why—why is that video on your phone!’ In an instant, my anger flares. I told myself I wouldn’t do this. I wouldn’t get myself into this state. ‘Tell me how it got there,’ I sob—I shout. ‘Tell me how I’m to believe it isn’tyou!’
‘What’s the point,’ he answers flatly. ‘You think you know the truth. And you’re not willing to take a chance. On me. On us.’ The room falls silent before he speaks again. ‘A man goes to his psychiatrist,’ he says, apropos of nothing.
‘Flynn, no,’ I plead, tears tracking my cheeks. ‘Why can’t you be serious—just for a minute. Just now.’
He ignores me.
‘The man says;Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I keep thinking that I’m a well-known psychoanalyst. And the shrink says;how long has this been going on? Well,says the man,it all started when I was Jung.’
‘Am I supposed to be laughing?’
‘It’s the best medicine, babe. But that’s you. It doesn’t take a shrink to see that you keep expecting the worst from people. Expecting them to leave. I reckon you’ve been like this since you were a kid. But at some point you’ve got to grow up. To take a chance on someone. You’ve got to believe thatyou’reenough to take a risk on.’
‘I fail to see how a video of someone deep throating you could be my fault.’
‘That’s just it, babe. You’re not listening. That’s not me. And do you know why? Because I love you and I would cut off my right arm rather than hurt you.’
I look away as I begin to climb the stairs, my demeanour dignified.
At least until I get to the top of the stairs.
At least until I hear theclickof the front door, when I allow myself to finally fall apart.
