Chapter 8
CHASTITY
Two more mimosas, a generous portion of eggs benny, and a sharing jug of Long Island Iced Tea later, things have begun to get personal. Very personal.
‘She’s afraid of commitment,’ says Paisley. ‘Her last proper relationship was years ago.’
She’s right, but I won’t allow the conversation down this painful path.
‘It’s hard to meet men in my line of work,’ I protest.
‘Aren’t all the men hard in your line of work?’ asks a giggling Ella.
‘I hate to burst your porn bubble, but that’s not always true.’ Unfortunately. ‘Sometimes they need a little help.’
‘Like a fluffer?’ she asks, her voice almost pitched high enough for only dogs to hear.
‘No, like Viagra.’
‘That’s disappointing.’
‘I’ll say.’ Though my perspective is a little different. A leading man with a lack of functioning equipment often results in costly delays. ‘Do you watch much porn?’ I ask Ella. I know Paisley has a subscription because it’s part of her employment package.
‘Well... I... ’ She ducks her head, not that it hides her embarrassment.
‘Don’t answer that,’ I say quickly. ‘Being in my line of work sometimes removes my brain to mouth filter. Sorry.’ I think I’m largely desensitised to things that should ordinarily shock.
‘No, it’s fine,’ she says, raising her head again. ‘I’m just a little shy, I suppose. I, that is to say, we—Mac and I—do have a subscription to Fast Girls.’ She hides her nervous smile behind the rim of her glass. ‘We like it. Quite a bit, actually.’
‘That’s so fab to hear! Can I just take this opportunity to say I’m also open to suggestions.’
‘Fishing for information,’ interjects a laughing Paisley.
‘Absolutely. I’m all about the customer experience.’
‘Well, this customer,’ replies Ella, her cheeks still pink, ‘is very satisfied.’
‘I’m sure you are.’ I lift my glass, chinking it against hers. ‘Mac clearly adores you, and you have two of the cutest children known to woman.’
‘I am’—she inhales, pushing out a deep breath which ends in a wide smile and, if I’m not mistaken, tear-filled eyes—‘the luckiest, not to mention, the happiest a girl could ever be. And to think, it wasn’t all that long ago I was poised to move back into my parents’ house. Not to mention, a virgin.’
Cola and hard liquor don’t feel so great coming out of your nose, let me tell you.
‘Oh, God, I’m sorry,’ I say, mopping up the spray from my chin. ‘Excuse me but how—how—could that be possible?’ Ella looks like a young Sophia Loren; all soft curves and olive skin. Her wavy dark hair is always stylish, and while I don’t go for girls, even a straight girl like me feels the urge to touch her fabulous boobs.
‘I had no confidence,’ she says with a short shrug. ‘I was also, unwittingly, a fag hag to my long-term boyfriend. And obviously a bit stupid.’ Both Paisley and I begin to protest. ‘It’s true,’ she continues with a rueful laugh. ‘God, I was such a disaster. And then I met Mac, and I discovered love.’ I can’t help the wistful sigh that escapes. ‘Along with the joys of sex.’
‘I think that’s a book,’ replies Paisley. ‘Pretty sure I discovered it under my parents’ bed when I was a kid.’
Myahhhturns to anewwwbefore morphing into a giggle. A giggle that’s infectious, it seems, as I cast my eyes to the other side of the table.
‘Imagine going from being a virgin to Mac.’ Paisley brings a hand to her mouth, but it doesn’t hide her laughter. ‘Lord, that man looks like he could break you in two.’
‘No comment,’ titters Ella.
‘No comment needed. I’ve seen him in his rugby shorts. The man needs a cup before he hurts himself. Sorry, Ella,’ she adds. ‘I haven’t been perving purposely. It’s just kind of hardnotto see.’
‘Oh my God, this is so funny!’ Ella responds, her chest heaving with laughter as she wraps an arm around her friend. ‘I’ve told him he needs to strap that down, but he prefers a bit of free running!’ The end of her sentence ends in a bit of a screech, tears beginning to roll down her face.
