Chapter Eighty-Two
‘Eww, don’t put it next to the toothbrush!’
‘A bit of pee never hurt anyone. It’s sterile.’
‘Coming out of your vag?’
‘Blue line—it has a blue line.’
‘Ow, you’re pinching my arm! And I thought it was supposed to go pink?’
‘Nope, that was the last one. No, sorry, the one before that.’
‘Ah, shit. That’s three out of three.’
‘Go for a fourth?’
‘We’re not playing rock-paper-scissors, here! Face it. I’m screwed.’
‘I think you mean, you have been.’
‘Thanks. That makes me feel so much better. Why don’t you just pass me the razor while you’re on a roll?’
‘Legs could do with a shave.’
‘Could’ve done with keeping them closed, more like.’
‘And you’ve got hairy toes. They look like pork crackling.’
‘Do you think it’s got anything to do with the sex?’
‘That you’ve got hairy toes? Like that urban myth, if you wank too much, you get hairy palms? Ha-ha! You looked!’
‘Really? Jokes at a time like this?’
‘Calm down. Didn’t they have sex-ed at your school? Condoms on bananas and that god-awful DVD. The miracle of childbirth through a muff that looks like a seriously mad wig?’
‘Like a merkin?’
‘No, like the black forest of pubes. I’m surprised the midwife didn’t get out the garden shears and give her a trim. Poor baby could’ve gotten tangled and trapped.’
‘Don’t mention childbirth,please. Anyway, that’s not what I mean. The colour thing. Do you get a pink line for a girl, blue for a boy?’
‘I think he must’ve banged your head against the headboard way too hard. For fuck’s sake, the thing’s still just a tiny collection of cells, no bigger than a bean!’
‘If I’d half a brain, I’d’ve stuck to flicking my bean.’
‘Maybe I should pee on the last test. Maybe you’ve got a duff batch.’
‘Duff. That’ll be the thing I am.’
‘Don’t be like that. We all make mistakes.’
‘Up the fucking duff. That’s not a mistake. It’s a great fucking catastrophe.’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘Fucked if I know.’
