‘Yup.’ I pop thep, wondering for the millionth time what the hell possessed him. ‘It doesn’t help that my other pussy’s due a period of, well, period. And I’m as cranky as, well, you.’
‘I didn’t like to say, but your pants are looking a bit tight there, babe.’
‘Ouch! Why in Christ’s name did I come here again?’
‘’Cos you’re bored?’
‘And fat?’
‘It’s called water retention. Jeeze, chill out.’
I pull the fabric of my pants, mumbling, ‘My thighs of thunder are too wild for these jeans.’ As I continue to worry the fabric, I’m unsure if I should ignore the small sounds coming from behind her bedroom door, or be an impolite guest and ask.
‘Niamh?’ Impolite it is, then.
‘Ah, babes, that’s cute,’ she says coming back into the room and handing me a teacup. Not a mug.
‘Were you even listening? What’s cute about menstruation bloating? And is coffee rationed around here now?’
‘Drink up. I told you I’m busy,’ she says, pushing her hand into the pocket of her robe and shoving a choccy bickie into my other hand. Seems she was listening. It is the best time of the month for chocolate. ‘I meant kittens are cute.’
‘Until they shit on your bed, they are.’ Muffled noisesdefinitelytravel from the bedroom his time. ‘Have you got someone in there?’ I gesture with my head because, you know, hands full. ‘Maintenance man? Man-man? You got lucky last night, didn’t you, you dirty bird!’
‘Don’t be an arse,’ she says quickly. ‘I didn’t go out. Tell me about this cat.’
‘It’s a cat. What is there to say? Furry. It’s got an arsehole and teeth. And I think I might kark it, between Martha and Satan’s pet.’ Niamh pulls a confused face. ‘I think she and the cat are in cahoots and plotting my imminent demise.’ I bite the corner of the biscuit, albeit a little aggressively. Cutting down on carbs has maybe made me a bit rabid.
‘The maid, right?’
‘The head of the household, you mean. Christ, it’s no wonder he was living in a hotel. I’d rather live under a bridge than be around her.’
‘You’d end up smelling like a hobo’s scrotum.’
‘I’d rather smell like a derro’s scrotum than live with her.’
‘You’re such a drama queen.’
‘Me? You’re the one swanning around in your dressing gown in the middle of the day! Are you even listening? I think the woman’s trying to end me.’
‘Don’t be daft. You’ve just shacked up with her boy, is all.’
I don’t answer her, just glower.
‘What’s its name, this cat?’
‘Butt-hole. But if Kai asks, Batool,’ I add quickly.
She laughs, and tells me I’m cruel, so I flip her the bird around my cup, complaining that she doesn’t understand.
‘Yeah, swanning around doing lunch every day must beterrible.’
‘Honestly, I may as well be talking to my arse,’ I grumble. ‘Everyone. Is. At. Work. Am I supposed to go for lunch alone? Take a book?’
‘Not the books you read these days. You’ll get done for public indecency. Don’t pull that face. You’ll be sorted soon. So, other than being a bit bored, how’s married life treating you?’
‘I’m supposed to be euphoric,’ I mumble, repeating my favourite line from my fav movie,Muriel’s Wedding. I lie, because my favourite line has to beChuck couldn’t come.Glad Kai doesn’t have any of the same issues.
‘And you aren’t?’ she asks with a developing frown.
