Chapter Thirty-One
Rising from the floor, Kai places me on the bed almost with reverence, pulling the comforter to my shoulders. The mattress dips as he folds himself against my back, but I curl away, foetus-like as a sudden shame fills my chest, making it hard to breathe.
How could I have allowed him to hit me? How could I have...come...at all?
‘How do you feel?’ His voice is soft, spent. All attitude having ebbed away.
‘You fuckinghitme, how do you think I feel?’ I want to hurt. Lash out. Create a diversion, avoid even thinking about what I just allowed.
‘I think you’re deflecting.’ His tone is neutral, lacking accusation and the antithesis of my own.
‘Maybe I’ll smack you about then tell you you’re fine!’
‘Sweetheart, you’re lying. To us both.’ He strokes the pad of one finger along my arm, drawing my attention to the fact that I’m shaking.
Shock or the remains of my high?
I move across the bed further, unease clawing at my throat. ‘Leave me alone.’
Despite my words, dread blooms in my stomach as his weight slips from the bed. I bite my lips as something inside prevents me from calling out for him to stay. I’d say it’s self-respect but how can it be? I’m drowning in self-reproach, the manifestation of which is my burning, tender behind. Despair swells into huge, wet, hiccupping sobs as the bedroom door closes. I don’t have to try to drown out the sound.
Misery, anger, and denial swirl blood red through my head. And there’s shame, so much shame. But there’s also no denying the orgasm I experienced. I can’t, though I try.
My sobbing quietens abruptly as a realisation flits into my head. I place my hand against one cheek. The area is numb, yet at the same time incredibly sensitive. The symbiotic sensations of ice-cold and red-hot against my skin. More shocking than this realisation as I dry my tears, is the sense of satisfaction.Sated. I feel unburdened, somehow. Relieved.
Oh god. I’m going to hell!
Tightening my fists on the pillow, tears begin to flow once more.
As the door opens, I hold my breath. The bed shifts beneath me, the warmth and scent of Kai like cool relief at my side. He moves the comforter further over my body, laying a box of tissues next to me, his hand covering mine.
‘Are you ready to talk?’
His voice is neutral, but I shake my head and screw my eyes tight shut. I’d rather die than discuss this right now. I blow my nose indelicately and he moves closer, apparently not minding the mess. Hiccupping sobs have left me at the unattractive spasming-breath stage as I clutch a tissue to my chest.
Without thought for appearances, I peer over my shoulder as words stutter from my mouth.
‘W-w-why did you h-hit me?’
His reply, when it comes, is soft and resigned. ‘Because I was angry. Because all I could see was you and him. In a taxi. In your bed.’ He passes a hand across his head in a gesture of frustration. ‘But also because I knew you’d let me. Be into it. Damn it, Kate, do I really have to spell it out?’
Did I like it?‘I—you—’God,I don’t know! ‘You’ve done this before? With other girls?’
‘Not being into boys, yes.’ Reluctant amusement colours his words as he studies my face. Reaching out, his finger traces the shape of my ear. ‘You like a little pain in sex.’ I open my mouth to deny this, think better of it, and close it again. ‘I took an educated gamble that you’d enjoy... this. Don’t look so shocked. Pain and pleasure are near neighbours for some, like trust and love.’
My heart misses a beat. Trust. How can I trust a man who just smacked my bare arse as though I were a disobedient child? How can he speak of trust? And love, is that what he means by obsession? I won’t think about.Can’t.
‘I wouldn’t hurt you,’ he adds earnestly and completely without irony. ‘Do you still want me to leave?’
‘No,’ I answer instantly, ‘stay.’ I hate my almost pleading tone, but I want him to stay.Want him still.
He draws closer, my spine relaxing into the warmth of him as he sighs softly against my ear.
‘Thank you,’ he whispers a moment later, his arms tightening around my waist. ‘Thank you for being mine.’
