‘I was just looking at the kids playing.’
‘I know. I saw.’
‘And from that you divinedwhat, exactly.’
‘I was just thinking.’
‘A novel experience?’
‘Well, I don’t often think about you.’ His presence here proves that patently untrue. But this is how we are, Keir, Mac, and me. We show we care by taking the piss.
‘I was just thinking how you’ve never been interested in what happened to the women you’ve slept with before.’
‘That’s not true,’ I say, standing straighter. ‘Maybe I don’t care enough about them to settle down. But I’m conscious of their feelings.’
‘Nah, that doesn’t ring true. If you cared about them—any of them—you’d have settled down. Even if for only a few weeks.’
‘We’ve been over this. I can’t.’ I can’t saddle anyone with my lot in life. ‘You know the old bastard was trying to set me up with some oligarch’s youngest daughter?’ I say, changing the thread. And yet not.
‘That shouldn’t have come as a surprise,’ Keir says, chuckling quietly. He was a twisty bastard, God rest his soul.’
‘God had nothing to do with him. He’s probably dining with the devil as we speak.’
‘Don’t let any of this lot hear you say that,’ Keir replies, gesturing to the members of distant family, my father’s friends, and hangers on. They mill around the better of the poorly heated rooms, drinking whisky and copious cups of tea while eating finger sandwiches. ‘Anyway, he was just trying to set his house in order before he popped off this mortal coil.’
‘Not a moment too soon.’
‘But here’s the thing; in a lot of ways, you’re right; you’re in for a shit time. But it’s all yours now. To do with what you want. To live how you want.’
‘That’s the thing, though. This place will eat away at my bank balance and at my soul. I can’t expect anyone to chain themselves to me for this.’ I stare into my glass rather than look at him.
‘If you grew up in a council flat wi’ a drunk for a dad you’d have something to complain about. As it is, all I’ve got for you is this.’ He brings his thumb and forefinger together, beginning to rub.
‘What’s that then?’
‘The world’s tiniest violin,my lord. But what I was trying to say is, if you need any advice or just a sounding board, I’m here.’
‘Thank you, Keir. But I don’t think even your amazing business eye could help me out of this.’
‘I dunno,’ he replies. I’ve been thinking. There are probably a couple of consortiums that’d take this place off your hands. And the place in Scotland has grouse and deer. You could turn it around quite easily. In a few years maybe even make a wee profit. By the time you settle down, ready to start a family you might—’
‘But that’s just it. I just have to face facts; I’m just another fuck up in a long line of fuck ups.’
‘You don’t really believe that.’
‘Don’t I?’ I reply sardonically. ‘Didn’t you hear me recently say I was a member of a sex club?’
‘I did.’
‘A place where I find willing women, desperate to be demeaned.’
‘You want to demean them, and they want to be demeaned. That’s classic supply and demand,’ he says with a slight shrug. ‘I’m still not seeing any deep issues. It’s not like you’re some regency lord abusing the poor parlour maid. But coming back to the issue of Sadie for a minute—’
‘No one mentioned Sadie,’ I reply darkly. She’s not a problem or my joy. Not anymore.
‘Must be something wrong with your hearing, because I just did. Do you really want to give up the chance to be with her?’
‘I already did,’ I say, everything draining out of me. The will to play my part today. The desire to be congenial. The realisation that I’ll be doing this alone.
