‘I didn’t see you that day, or any other. And I looked.’
‘Look, we were kids,’ I say. ‘And you were obviously going through some things. I’m not blaming you for any of this, but when I saw you with another girl less than twelve hours later, I’m not gonna lie, it was a kick in the gut.’ And something I’d vowed never to experience again.
‘Another girl?’ he repeats, not without scepticism.
‘Dark hair? Big rack?’ I raise my hands to make the appropriate gesture, thinking the mime juvenile before lowering them again. ‘It’s not like I’m expecting you to remember any of it.’
‘But I do remember. I remember you,andthe next day when you didn’t show. I sat at the end of the street I’d walked you to—sat there for hours, hoping you’d pass by. I thought you must’ve, I don’t know.’ He shrugs. ‘Had regrets?’
‘Oh, I did.’
‘Andthatwas the only thing that stopped me from knocking on all the doors in that street.’
‘But my regret came that morning when I reached your garden gate. I know what I saw.’
‘Must’ve been Kit,’ he says decisively.
‘No, it couldn’t have been.’
‘Must’ve been,’ he says with a confident nod. ‘He was all about experimenting back then.’
‘Experimenting?’ I ask, slightly horrified.
‘He’s gay. Maybe bi—hell, I don’t know. I don’t like to ask. Did I not mention this?’
‘No.’ I draw the word out, the sound resembling an unkind laugh. Not because Kit’s sexual orientation, but because, ‘I know what I saw, Rory.’
‘And I know what I did or didn’t do. I also know Kit was shagging girls almost exclusively then.’ I’m pretty sure, right now, my eyes would be at home on Looney Tunes; as in, hanging out of my head on stalks. Could this be true? Part of me wants it to be even while I silently acknowledge this makes me an even bigger fool. ‘Think about it,’ he says. ‘You’ve met him. Some people have a hard time telling us apart, maybe less so now, seeing as how I’m so much more handsome than him.’
‘I just don’t know...’
‘I might be older—by fifteen minutes—but I think he’s doing all of the aging, y’ken?’ he says, squeezing my waist again.
But I don’tken.In fact, I understand very little right now. ‘There was no other girl for me that day. I mean, I was a bit of a lad, but two girls in the same twelve-hour period would be something to brag about. What I mean is—’
‘You don’t have to explain. Quite frankly, you’re only making this worse.’ Because if he isn’t guilty of being a dick, then it means I’m doubly so.
‘I’ve never led you on, Fin,’ he says soberly. ‘I’m not gonna apologise for—’
‘No.’ I place a finger across his lips, silencing him. ‘That’s not why it’s worse. It’s worse because...’ If I thought it uncomfortable to say before, now it’s downright torturous. ‘I’m just going to come out with it. Gonna rip that Band-Aid off fast.’ As I say this, I’m making the motion with my hand, Rory’s confused gaze following.
‘It was good—real good—but afterwards, not so much. I was young and hurt after seeing... what I thought I saw. I don’t think I ventured from my bedroom much in the weeks that followed. Don’t look at me like that—I wasn’t to know the truth. Anyway, it was time to grow up, but we were going to have one last fling, Ivy and I, before growing up. I went travelling and in Thailand I met a guy. An older guy.’
‘How old?’ He’s frowning again.
‘Not that old.’ I find myself adding Marcus’ age as Rory’s frown develops into a scowl. ‘A little older. A lot more sophisticated. And I’d decided before I left Scotland I wasn’t—wasn’t going to be like my mom.’
‘I think I see where this is going.’
‘I wish I had. I wouldn’t sleep with him—I wasn’t going to make the same mistake again—and looking back, I think he became infatuated. With me, I mean.’
‘I can see how that would happen,’ he says with a sad smile. ‘So he asked you to marry him?’
I nod. ‘And even more foolishly, I said yes.’
‘No man asks a woman to marry him because he just wants in her knickers. You know that, right?’
‘So maybe he thought he loved me. Maybe I thought I could love him in return.’ My hands are in the air and I’m trying hard not to cry, because the truth is, I was running from my past and Marcus saw me as something to possess. ‘I made stupid assumptions and decisions, doubly so, as it turns out, because it wasn’t even you with that tramp! God, I’m such a fuck up. Ivy’s totally right. I do make stupid, rash decisions.’ I bring my hands up to cover my face, surprised as I’m suddenly flush with his body, his arms banding my back.
