So why was she hesitating now?
“I’ll come back tonight with you,” Sydney finally said, forcing the words out. They came out steadier than she thought they would. Cooler. “Hold a spot on the plane for me.”
Sauda studied her. A moment passed in silence before she said, softly, “I’m sorry, Syd.”
Sydney stared at the hospital. “For what?”
“You know.”
Her unspoken answer filled Sydney’s mind.
She waited a moment longer before she finally turned to Sauda. “How do you and Niall do it?” she asked.
“Do what?” Sauda replied.
“Stand staying apart from each other? Never taking the plunge on being together?”
Sauda didn’t answer right away. “Because we care about each other,” she said. “And when you care about someone, you want them to have a good life. A happy life.” Her voice turned quieter. “We can’t give each other that.”
Sydney nodded. She had always known this was the answer. When they signed up for Panacea, the agency swore them to something above love. Above commitment to another person. Loyalty to a secret above all else. It was a security issue, of course, but most of all, it was an issue of faithfulness. Panacea was the love of their lives. You couldn’t dedicate yourself fully if you prioritized someone else. It was her sacrifice in exchange for the privilege of doing important work, the kind that changed people’s lives without them ever realizing it, the kind that she felt in her bones.
If Sauda and Niall ever broke that rule, the agency would require them to separate immediately, or fire them. A life together was impossible.
A life withWinterwas impossible.
“It’s the way of things,” Sauda added after a while.
“The way of things,” Sydney echoed. She took a long breath and felt the slight, ever-present strain of it in her lungs. She thought she saw a glimmer of sadness for her in the woman’s eyes.
There was nothing to be sad about, she told herself. She was going to get her promotion. This was all she’d ever wanted.
Nothing else.
Then Sauda nodded at Sydney before leaning back in the car’s seat. “Nine o’clock,” she said. “I’ll have a car sent to wherever you are.”
38
The Sun and the Moon
Sydney entered the back of the hospital alone. A nurse at the check-in desk recognized her, rose from her seat, and motioned an assistant over to escort her upstairs to Winter’s suite. Sydney walked in a daze, and for once, she found herself not caring to notice the doctors and nurses passing her by, the number of steps on the stairs, the wan color the fluorescent lights turned people’s faces.
The assistant stopped short of Winter’s doorway and motioned politely for her to come forward. Then he left, and she stood alone.
When Sydney stepped inside the suite, she saw an empty, rumpled bed. A lean silhouette stood at the window, his hands in his pockets, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, exposing the trail of geometric lines and serpent tattoo winding around his left forearm. His blue-black hair was as perfectly messy as she remembered from their first meeting. Only the slightest hint of bandages underneath his shirt reminded her of his wound.
In spite of herself, she found herself pausing for a moment to admire him. That spark of his shone through, even now.
Winter looked over his shoulder at her.
“Want to get out of here?” he asked.
She gave him a skeptical look. “With that crowd outside?”
“Claire’s already arranged a secret car and a place,” he said. The smile on his face was small, wistful. “Let’s go.”
Two hours left until she had to meet Sauda at the airport.
By the time they arrived at the entrance to Kew Gardens, the sun had just set, and the sky was awash in pink and purple.
