“I was worried about you. I didn’t want to waste another second pondering where your head is at. And then when I realized you were missing with Lyra…”
I swing my attention back to him. “What? Afraid the two of us decided to leave?” But that’s not it. No. The way he’s looking at me speaks of another concern.
His voice is gentle. Honest. “No…I was anxious because I knew the two of you don’t get along. And I wasn’t sure?—”
“If I had taken a chance to maul her?” I scoff, shaking my head. “Why is it that not a single person here seems to believe that I am a woman ofstrategy above all else? That I do not hastily lash out, nor let my emotions determine my plans—even if I’m furious?”
“That’s not what I meant. What I meant is that perhaps you found out something about her. Something that established she’s the assassin, and you decided to save time and?—”
“She saved me today,” I finally say it aloud.
He blinks. “Saved you…?”
I tear my gaze off him, finding Lyra smiling near Aelia, who chatters on about something. “She risked her own life to save me. Charred her hands to almost ash. All for someone like me, who hasn’t shown her any kindness, and yet she still decided I was worth saving.”
“If it’s not her, then what kept you two so late?”
I swing my attention back to him, thinning my lips.
He searches my eyes. “There is still a part of you that doesn’t trust me, isn’t there?”
“Do you blame me?” I ask with a bite.
“No, of course not,” he says with a pinched brow. “But I am doing everything I can?—”
“Then stop these trials. They aren’t necessary.” I flick my head over to the women watching us from afar. “You’ll kill many of them by putting them through it. You might not even have any candidates left if the rest of the trials follow the nature of this one.”
There’s a war in his eyes, in his voice. “I can't stop them.”
“Then tell me why!” I tighten my grip on his hand. “Tell me everything! What good reason is there for you, or Devin, or Lady Bethany to think the trials are necessary? Do you understand thatseveralwomen are in the infirmary tonight? That several more died today? These women are hungry for your hand, Cyrus. Hungry enough that they will do some desperate things to win your attention, at the expense of their bodies and possibly their lives.”
“You don’t think this hurts me, too?” His voice breaks. “It isagonyfor me knowing you all are out there and I can’t stop it.”
The tension in my shoulders and jaw snaps away at the raw flicker of pain in his expression.
He pulls me tighter into him until we are chest to chest. His mouth hovering over my ear as he bends down to whisper, “It’s not that I do notwant to tell you. I want to tell you everything. But I risk everything if I do. You don’t truly understand that Ican’t. I can’t, Marcella.”
“Because your council or Devin advises it?” I shoot back.
“No. Because speaking freely of anything jeopardizes your memory—same as everyone else’s. What you all were given to clear your memories was a mixture a chemist from the Dragon Academy had been experimenting with. He created it to clear out his own painful memories, but when he tried it, it clearedallof his memories. Most of them came back, but not all. He never remembered what he did to create the concoction in the first place. It was confiscated by the council and has been under lock and key for a long time.”
“You riskeduswith it?” I nearly drop my hand out of his. “Are you out of yourmind?”
“You agreed to it. As did everyone else. No one here was forced to.”
“That doesn’t make it any better,” I spit. “What happens if none of us ever recall our memories?”
“That’s why I can’t freely tell you everything. If anyone were to warp your perspective of reality, you could be lost. You may never get your own memories back. Someone else’s perception may twist your own—you might even become someone else entirely if we aren’t careful. I’m doing what I can to guide you to remembering, but as much as I might try to lead you there, you have to find it yourself.”
I pull back to look up at him. “Did I know about the trials prior to agreeing to this assignment?”
When he nods lightly, I ask more, “And I knew what each trial would entail?”
Again, he nods. “I kept nothing from you. I don’t know what the trials are myself to keep my bias out of it, but Devin and Lady Bethany were commanded to share it all with you before your memories were wiped.”
I blow out a breath, tearing my eyes out of his. There had to be some good reason the past me would agree to it. Would agree to all of this. Yet, chasing down my memories is like pinning down a shadow with a needle.
Perhaps I just have to work at recalling the trials. Recalling anything, so I don’t feel like a woman stumbling along in the dark.
