Now that Bes no longer poisons me with his proximity, my thoughts swirl like a tornado inside my mind, the threads winding around each other until they’re nothing but a tangled mess.
Anger and shame quickly extricate themselves from the chaos and make themselves known.
Jesus, I’m an idiot.I’m not important to Bes. He was only using me as adistraction—something to take his mind off the rules and responsibilities he has when he’s forced to be here. The place he hates most in this world. And I fell for it.
My gut clenches.I’m no one’s distraction.
Before I can consider the consequences of what I’m about to do, I stomp across the stone floor to where Bes blocks thethreshold between the first edition room and the rest of the Archives. With as much force as I can muster considering how hard my body trembles, I shove his shoulder with mine. He stumbles forward a tick but easily regains his balance, grunting as I push past him.
I whirl on him before he can say a word. I’m closer than I want to be, considering the heat still lingering in my body from that kiss—best goddamn kiss of my entire life—but I can’t back down now.
“Is that all I am to you?” I demand. “Five seconds of damned peace and quiet? Not important? A fuckingdistraction?”
Bes blinks as if he doesn’t understand. Of course he doesn’t understand. He’s not trapped down here against his will after learning his only family lied to him his entire life.
Comprehension dawns a second later and he shakes his head. “No, that’s what I—you know Cec—”
“I don’t give a damn about Cec!” I practically scream. It echoes down the hallway, where no doubt the cousin in question has been eavesdropping for Lord knows how long. “And I don’t give a damn about you.”
He flinches, as if I’ve struck him physically.I can’t believe I fell for this act.
He reaches for my hand. “Mel—”
“Don’t call me that—don’t ever call me that again,” I seethe. My anger is subsiding, and I need to finish this before I lose my nerve. “You’ve lost the privilege.”
With that, I spin on my heels and try not to run back to my room. I think I hear Cec’s voice, but he only receives silence in return.
It’s better this way, I tell myself.He would’ve broken my heart, or I would’ve broken his. Now, neither of us will get hurt.
The tears gently stinging my cheeks warn me it’s a little late for that. Now, with this kiss, I’m afraid I’ve gone in too deep to try and swim back up.
Idon’t get a wink of sleep, even after crying for far too long into a warm bath.
As soon as I slammed the door to my room, I instantly regretted what I said to Bes. How I treated him. He didn’t mean to say I’m unimportant; I know that now. In the moment, I let my temper get the better of me, and we both paid for it. Like Cec told me, he doesn’t often open up to people, and I’ve just set us back to the first time we met. Maybe even before that.
Whatever might’ve happened between Bes and I… I ruined it.Like I do everything else.
The lack of sleepdidgive me time to come to a conclusion about what to do next, though: I’m not waiting three days for Ansaldo’s team to go after Gurlitt. Not only does three days give him far too much leeway, but I’m tired of being told what to do and where to be, whether I get to live or die under the order. I’ve let them dictate my life since the moment Nonna received that telegram from the museum in Cairo—and likely long before that—and I won’t allow it anymore.
Besides, if what Nonna Alessa said is true about his interest in ancient Egypt, then Gurlitt may have more information on the Amulet of Amun—something the order’s collection doesn’t contain.
Tomorrow morning, I’m leaving to find Gurlitt, with or without Bes and Cec.
I could still run; that’s never not an option. But I don’t want to end up like my mother. Knowing what I know now, I value my own life too much to risk the God Men or the order’s wrath.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t go back to the way things were before. Not with Nonna, or my old life, or with Bes. All I can do is move forward.
And if I can prove I don’t need their idiotic leaf tattoos to complete a mission, maybe they’ll let me leave this place without pledging myself wholly.
In order to do that, however, I have to make a show of good faith by swearing the blood oath Ansaldo is so desperate for me to take. Because, the truth is, even if the Order of Cavendi is the lesser of two evils, they possess weapons that the greater of the two evils cannot get their hands on. I refuse to be the reason the Third Reich gains any ground. Even if that means my own death.
The blood oath merely stops me from speaking about the organization; it doesnotbind me to them. At the very least, it’ll buy me more time.
I hold on tight to this decision as I knock on Ansaldo’s office door. I shiver from the coolness of the stone around me, but that could be from the lack of sleep as well. I blink my eyes rapidly, raw and exposed, as I stare at the brushed metal, reminding myself I’m doing this for a reason.
“Miss Hawkins,” a familiar voice booms behind me, and I turn to find the man himself, wearing a similar variation of the outfit he always does. “What can I do for you?”
I swallow hard before my next words. “I want to take the blood oath.”
