I somehow fight my way out from under four hundred pounds of man. I’m way leaner than those two, so it’s not an easy feat. “You guys are ridiculous.”
“You love us.” East nudges me with his elbow.
It’s true. “I really do.”
“You wanna tell us what’s bothering you?” Paulie props himself up on his elbow and stares down at me where I’m lying flat on my back.
I give him a skeptical look. “What are you talking about, bro? Nothing’s bothering me. Just fucking beat after the day.” And yeah, maybe that’s not everything, but the last thing these guys are going to want is to hear me bitching and whining.
Paulie meets East’s gaze over my head, and even though they don’t say anything I can tell they’re having an entire conversation.
East rolls onto his side and mirrors Paulie. Now I’mlying between them as they stare down at me like I’m a specimen at a museum. “I think we need to talk, Shane.”
My eyebrows shoot up, and my pulse takes off. We need to talk? What does that mean in bro-talk? Are they friend-breaking up with me? Everyone knowswe need to talkis never a good thing.
“We’ve been friends for a long time,” Paulie says.
“Almost three years,” East adds.
I glance between them. They’re staring at me like I should know what they’re talking about. “O…kay. So, what now? Is it time for some sort of initiation into the bro-ship cult?”
Paulie’s lips twitch, and East shakes his head. East cuffs me on the shoulder. “No, you goon. We’ve all known each other a long-ass time.”
“We know you, Shane.”
“We know you try to hide how you’re feeling. Pretend like everything’s all sunshine and seashells.”
I still. I go to deny it, but East beats me to it. “Like when I got the news I made Triple-A. You played off being assigned to Double-A like it was nothing. We know it wasn’t nothing, but you deflected at every turn when we tried to bring it up.”
I pick at my bracelets, spinning the faded blue beads. Don’t know what they’re talking about. Such pretty bracelets.
“It’s your MO, man,” Paulie says. “You’re always here for us whenever we need support.”
“I don’t know what I would have done without you when I was going through stuff with Maddy.” East’s voice gets thick. “We owe our entire relationship to you, Shane. If it weren’t for you, we might still not be speaking.”
I try to frown away the annoying burn building behindmy eyes. I’m sure they would have figured shit out…eventually. I was happy to give them the shove they needed.
“But you close off and refuse to let us be there foryou.”
“Like right now,” East says. “So, we’re not letting you play it off like it’s nothing.”
“Out with it.” Paulie flicks my nose.
I wince. “The fuck!” I rub my nose. “Ouch, man.”
He lifts his hand, fingers poised to strike. “I’ll do it again if you don’t start talking.”
I lift my hands in surrender. “Fine! Fine. Threatening me to spill my feelings. Some friends you two are.” I say it like I’m offended, but my heart is so fucking full. And so scared. It flutters uncertainly against my ribcage. I don’t want to be too much. To be a drag. I want to be useful. I want them to have a reason to need me. I don’t want to scare them away, annoy them with my whiny problems.
“Three…” East says and lifts his hand like he’s going to flick me too.
I open my mouth but hesitate.
“Two…” Paulie says.
“I’m pissed and frustrated because I fucking sucked out there today,” I burst out. “I feel like I’m playing with my cleats on the wrong feet. It feelswrong. I’m not a second baseman. I’m a fucking shortstop. And yeah, it kind of really fucking sucks, because shortstop isn’t an option for me here. I realized that a while ago. So, this is my only shot to play here. Maybe. Who the fuck knows if there’s room on the Jetties even at second? And I hate it. I hate that I might not be able to play in the big leagues with you guys. I hate that I’m not playingmyposition. Maybe it makes me petty, but I loved being shortstop. I felt like a boss out there. It’s not a secret that shortstop comes with a ton of cred. And I was a really fucking good short.”
Everyone knows that short is the commander out there. To know I was worthy of that role? It filled some empty places inside me. And it stings like a motherfucker having that ripped from me.
