My insides twist over themselves. A pit of snakes writhing in my gut. The thing is, as much as it kills me, if that’s what he needs to move forward, then I’m behind him, even if it breaks me. Shane’s barely had a chance to see how the world reacts to queer individuals, even if he’s seen some of the ugliness in our locker room. It hits different when it’s your own family—someone whose approval you’ve longed for your entire life. I don’t want it to push that part of himself into hiding, but it’s a fight he has to be ready to live every day of his life in our occupation. There are people like his father and Dev everywhere.
Right now, I’m not sure Shane’s ready for that fight. I can see it in the flatness of his gaze, in the way those lips are turned in a direction that just feels wrong. Those lips are never turned down. Not my always-smiling surfer boy.
Not yours.
My fingers tighten around my bat, the material of my gloves squeaking softly. No, he’s not mine.
Not anymore.
He needs to figure out where he stands, what backlash he’s willing to handle. As much as I want to get on my knees and beg him, plead with him to see that it’s worth it, that I’m worth it, that’s not fair to him. He needs time to process freely on his own without influence. He needs to choose himself.
The reality is, I might not be worth it for him.
Easton’s up, so I move into the on-deck circle.
I could really use a big hit right now.
When it’s my turn up, I get my wish. I muscle out a cheap homer, swinging so fucking hard I snap my bat clean in half.
Fitting: a broken bat to match my broken heart.
The team dispersesinto the bar, cheers following us from the patrons. We brought home a win today after two losses in a row, so the guys are extra rowdy. Paulie and East somehow managed to convince Shane to come out with the team. Convince is a generous word. They kind of…threw him into the back seat and boxed him in. Easton said something about returning the favor. I drove us all over in what was the most awkward car-ride known to man.
My gaze catches on Maddox’s raised hand. He and Frankie are at the bar. They came out to celebrate with us…and to have an extra set of eyes on Shane. I’m not the only one worried about him.
Before we even get to the bar, Olander’s already shoving a beer in Shane’s hand. “Come on, man. Let’s celebrate!” He throws an arm around Shane’s shoulders and walks himover to where Thompson, Roche, Dev, and O’Neil are settling at a table.
“Hey, Maddox,” I greet, and we bump forearms. “Frankie.” I nod to Paulie’s brother.
“Hey, handsome.” He turns to his brother. “Hey, ugly.”
Paulie rolls his eyes. Then dives on his brother and gives him a noogie. Frankie lets out a feral sound, and all of a sudden Paulie’s in a headlock crying uncle.
“What have I said about touching my hair,” Frankie growls.
“Not to,” Paulie whines.
Frankie lets go of his brother and runs his hand through his hair, tousling it back into the stylized mess it was before. “Damn fucking straight. You do that again, and I willcastrateyou.”
“Uh…why are people getting castrated?” Olander’s uncertain voice draws our group's attention. He looks between us all. “I just wanted to get a tray of shots. Maybe I should come back when…my balls are safe?”
Frankie leans back against the bar and crosses his arms. “Oh, Ollie-babe, your balls are definitely safe with me.” He winks.
Olander’s eyes go wide.
“Frankie, behave,” Maddox and Easton say at the same time. They grin at each other. “Jinx.”
“Leave him the fuck alone,” Dev growls, stepping up to the bar and shoving his shoulder into Frankie.
Frankie doesn’t budge. Instead, he leans even more into Dev. “Careful, honey. I’m touching you. You might catch the gay. And wouldn’t that be a shame to the entire queer population?”
“Back. The fuck. Off,” Dev hisses.
The two glare at each other, and I think we’re secondsfrom a barroom brawl. Dev’s a big guy, but Frankie’s deceptively strong. That and me, Paulie, East, and Maddy would be on him in a blink.
“Dev, relax, man,” Olander says with an awkward laugh. “It’s Nebs’s brother, for fuck’s sake. He’s just joking around.”
Paulie steps in and pulls Frankie away. “Not worth it,” he mutters.
