“You really think this is just a pash in the elevator to me? You think I would take a risk like this for… sex?”
I’m going to go ahead and assume “pash” is some Kiwi word for the most incredible, knee-buckling, swoon-worthy kiss of all time.
“I don’t know what you would do!” I practically shout. “Everything about you is confusing!”
Caleb takes a shallow breath, like whatever he’s about to tell me is physically painful.
“I don’twanta hundred other girls, Stella,” he says softly. “I want you.”
A pang shoots through my chest, and I shake it away.
“Since when, yesterday?” I ask, reminding him how ridiculous that sounds. “Up until I trapped you in the elevator, I thought youhatedme!”
Somehow, we’re just inches from each other again—hopeless magnets that drift together whenever one of us lets our guard down. I can feel the walls I’ve spent precious years constructing crumbling like sandcastles to the sea floor.
“When you first came to the ship,” Caleb says quietly, “I was mortified. The things I said to you about the Warrens—you could have gotten me fired on the spot. I felt like I’d been caught with my trousers down, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. So I acted like an ass. By the time I realized how stupid that was, what a mistake I was making, it was too late. I didn’t know what to do.”
“You were embarrassed for helping me?”
“I was embarrassed for flirting with you! For complaining, for telling you my deep dark secrets about the drama on board, for lying about my position,” he growls. “And ever since you set foot on the ship, it’s only gotten worse. Do you know howhard it is for me to be around you? How much effort it takes for me to keep my hands off you every second of the day? Forget being fired, I could endanger the ship! The other day when you came and stood up by the bridge in your big white t-shirt, I almost ran us over the reef. And before you go off on me?—”
I was about to.
“It’snotjust physical. I tried to convince myself it was after the elevator. But you have this effect on me I can’t explain, Stella. The way you laugh with your whole body; the way you look out for Jules; your absolutely insane plans to get the Warrens to care aboutbiodiversity?You are… relentless. In the best way. And I was wrong about you, Stella.”
I’m not sure if it’s the late hour or the Avatar-worthy wonderland we’re swimming in, but I have to play what he’s saying over in my brain a few times to understand it. Did Caleb just say?—
“Wait,what?”
“I know I can be… intense,” he doubles down. “I always have been. But I’m crazy about you. I have been from the moment I met you, and I pushed you away because I was worried what might happen if you got any closer. It was a cowardly thing to do, and now I’ve gone and cocked it all up. Unless…”
My brain skips over all of this information like a scratched-up record. He was a jerk because he didn’t want to get close to me? Because he didn’t trust himself? All of that animosity was actually… infatuation?
I look down at my glistening feet; at the explosions of neon that bloom as I kick to keep myself afloat. If what Caleb’s saying is true, does it change anything? Does it negate the fact that he made me feel like a pariah for the majority of the trip? I’m still not sure. But what it definitely doesn’t change is the fact that Caleb and I live on opposite sides of the world, or that Patriciawill literally keelhaul us if we’re caught. This can’t go anywhere even if I want it to.
“There’s no unless.”
I mean it. At least, I’m pretty sure I do. But the air between us has gone stale, and even though the temperature hasn’t changed, I’m suddenly freezing cold.
“I don’t believe you,” Caleb breathes. “I think you feel it too.”
My lungs feel like they’re about to implode. And for a second, I nearly take it back.Don’t be weak, Stella.Because Caleb is right. This isn’t just about my family—it’s about his. He wasn’t the only one listening on our little jungle rescue mission—heneedsthis job. This crew, this ship, is his whole world. And I know better than anyone what it feels like to have that ripped away from you.
And if he’s is too short-sighted to recognize that, I’ll have to be the voice of reason for both of us.
So before Caleb can get his next words out, I make sure to hit him with something he can’t refute.
“I’m not risking Jules’ happiness for a meaningless fling,” I tell him, my voice almost robotic. “And if you’re willing to risk your job for this, you’re stupider than I thought you were.”
Caleb’s eyes burn into me, his face reddening as though he’s just been slapped.
“So that’s how you feel, is it?” he asks.
“It is.”
“Well then,” he says, his voice gravelly. He doesn’t make eye contact with me as he adds, “I guess I’d better return you to the ship.”
Caleb turns in the water, and I let my head plunge beneath the surface like a diving bell.What the fuck!I want to scream, but instead I just stare at the bioluminescent bubbles churning around his body as he lifts himself onto the kayak. Why did I have to open my mouth? Why did I have to follow him here? Can we just rewind to the part where things were simple and we hated each other’s guts?
