My mind is still reeling from my “date” with Harmony and everything that happened. I know I should be strategizing, piecing together what Harmony and I talked about—which was mainly her love of the color pink, her affinity for macarons because “they’re the cutest,” and her love of missionary work, especially in really beautiful and exotic foreign countries. I should be figuring out how to use any of these tidbits of information to continue building the connection between us.
Instead, like an idiot, I can’t stop thinking about Nina. Seeing her sitting in the bakery with that random handsome man, smiling at him, doing that thing where she tilts her head to the side and self-consciously tucks her hair behind her ear ... Watching all of it unfold had driven me so crazy I couldn’t help it. When I saw her slip into the pantry, I had to follow after her.
Now that encounter plays on a loop over and over in my mind. Nina’s surprise at seeing me, the unexpected anger. It was a different side to her, one I’ve never seen before. I feel ashamed for putting her in that position, for cornering her and forcing her to call me out on my bullshit. She was right. I shouldn’t have followed her. I shouldn’t have asked her about the guy. I shouldn’t have made any of this more complicated than it needs to be. Shame coils in my stomach at just how callous and careless I’ve been.
But . ..
But.
It’s not always a conscious choice. Maybe that sounds like a cop-out. It probably is. But when she’s in the room, I have to look at her. I tell myself not to, but my eyes are drawn to her. There’s this pull in my body to be near her, even if we’re not saying anything to each other, even if we’re not touching or interacting in any way. Wherever Nina is, it feels like I belong there, too. And even though my brain is telling me it’s a bad idea, it’swrong, in my heart, my gut, and everywhere else that counts, it’s being apart from her that feels wrong.
All I want to do is go back to the cabin and regroup. Unfortunately, I have to film something called “confessionals” first. It’ll be just me and the camera, and I’m supposed to talk about my impressions of the scene we just filmed. I’m going to have to stare at a camera and describe everything I’m feeling for Harmony. EverythingNate R.is feeling for Harmony, to be precise, because what I feel and what I want doesn’t matter right now. As usual.
It all sounds awesome and like I’m not going to hate it at all. Not even a little.
The crew sets up in an empty patch of forest close to the cabin. It’s supposed to look like I’m talking to the camera, but I’m really talking to Morrie, who’s just beyond the camera lens and asking me questions. I’ve been told that he’ll be edited out of the shots, so it will just look like I’m spontaneously proclaiming my love for Harmony.
People like to watch this sort of thing, apparently. Personally, it’s not really my jam. I had to watch a lot of reality dating shows to prepare for this mission. Alot. And while all the drama can sometimes be entertaining, think of how much more entertaining these shows could be withswords. Just saying.
Once we’re all set up, Morrie seats me on a stump directly in front of the camera. I stare uneasily down its lens. Usually when we’re filming, we’re encouraged to act like the camera isn’t there, so it feels strange to suddenly address it directly—almost like it’s the elephant in the room you’ve been pretending not to notice, and then suddenly you’re having a conversation with it. Chatting about the weather and asking about its summer travel plans.
I glance slightly over to the left to see that both Morrie and the cameraman are watching me expectantly. “So I’m just supposed to talk about my feelings?” I ask.
“Sure. Why don’t you start by telling us what you thought when you first saw Harmony,” Morrie prompts.
Well, at least on that, I can be totally honest. “When I first saw Harmony, I thought, ‘Oh shit, I’m gonna have to think of something clever to say on camera,’” I quip back.
I think that this will get at least a mild chuckle out of Morrie, but he just rolls his eyes at me. “Try it again, but something more romantic this time, please? This is a dating show,Nate R.” He emphasizes the fake name, I guess to remind me of whom I’m supposed to be right now.
Let me think. Nate R. Nate R ... . He’s from Tennessee! He loves football. He loves cornbread. Geez, why did I make my own backstory so generic? I really should have given this guy more flavor. Back when I first started going undercover, I had whole notebooks full of details about my characters’ personalities, likes and dislikes, habits and relationships. But each time I’ve had to do it, it’s felt less and less like I’m playing a role and more and more like I’m losing myself to these other identities.
I take in a deep breath and try again. “When I first saw Harmony, I thought, ‘Holy smokes. She sure is the prettiest gal I’ve ever seen.’” I lean into the Tennessee drawl a bit, hoping it will fill in the gaps for Nate R.’s lack of a personality.
Morrie gives me a look that tells me I’m really not pulling this off. “Better,” he acknowledges begrudgingly, “but still not totally what we’re looking for. We’re playing into a romantic fantasy here. Channel your inner Nicholas Sparks, or whatever.”
I don’t have much of a frame of reference for romance novels, truth be told. My idea of peak romance is the speech Han Solo gives to Princess Leia inThe Empire Strikes Backabout her liking him because he’s a scoundrel—try topping that, Nicholas Sparks! But I guess I can try to channel my own favorite heroes who have a romantic side. What did Kvothe think when he saw Denna for the first time ... ? “When I first saw Harmony,” I try again, “it felt like the universe was holding its breath.”
Okay, maybe it’s not the most original line, and maybe it doesn’t make complete sense, but at least I get an encouraging nod from Morrie. “How does she make you feel?” he prompts again.
The trouble is that as nice as Harmony is—and sheisnice, and bubbly, and full of energy, and even pretty funny sometimes—whenever I try to summon up more than friendly feelings, I’m hit with this wall.
So instead, I do what I know I’m not supposed to do. I open the door I’m supposed to keep locked.
I think about Nina.
“She makes me feel ... aware when she’s around,” I say, treading carefully so I won’t reveal too much of whom I’m talking about.
This seems to be more of what Morrie’s looking for, because he motions with his hands to suggest that I should continue.
“You know that feeling when someone walks into a room, and all of your senses hone in on them? Wherever they are, at all times. Whatever they’re doing. Even if you’re not looking at them. It’s like your entire body wakes up. Every feeling is that much stronger. And when you talk to her, every word counts. It holds that much more weight. Because it’s not just a conversation. It’s the two of you learning each other for the first time. Memorizing a story that you want to remember forever. Seeing how your souls might fit together.” I laugh under my breath. “And eye contact? Come on. Forget about it. You can say so much more in just one glance than with an entire sonnet, when you look into the eyes of the woman you’ve been waiting for your whole life.”
I swallow and pull myself back into the moment where I’m supposed to be. Here onMountain Man.As Nate R.
“That’s how I feel about ... Harmony,” I manage to tag on, even though the words taste like chalk in my mouth.
Because the truth is, I can lie about so many things. But this is the one thing I can’t pretend away, no matter how hard I try.
I loved Nina when we first met, and I still love her now. And I can’t pretend that isn’t true. I can’t pretend she isn’t who I want.
