Helen
Dr. Sandra and my writing group aren’t the only people I need to make amends with, after disappearing for the past few months. I’ve been back in Chicago, but I haven’t actually beenback, not fully, and I’ve been avoiding Nina and Matilda. Nina, because her dark eyes would be full of too much sympathy as I told my story, and Matilda…because I don’t want to hearI told you so.
That hasn’t stopped them from texting me. A few days after I returned to the city, Matilda was the first to reach out:
Are you back? Did you have sex or what? Did you use the lube? When that got no response, she added, Pizookies on Tuesday?
When there was no response, even Matilda had enough tact to give me a few days, likely sensing that something had gone down on the road trip. I could almost imagine the separate text chain between Nina and Matilda, the back-and-forth while Matilda insisted on ambushing me at my apartment and Nina encouraged her to be patient, to give me some space.
But finally, Nina was the next one to reach out: Are you back? Do you want to meet up at Lou’s at our usual time? ?? After a few more hours, she texted again: If you need some space, we understand. Please just let us know you’re all right.
When even that went unanswered, Matilda seemed to have gone off-book and fired off some uncensored messages. I texted Carlos and I know you’ve been coming to your shifts at the library, so you are therefore ALIVE and just not answering our texts, which I think you know is RUDE.
Are you there? Did you lose your phone??
Did that bounty hunter hurt you? Just give us the word and he’ll disappear, no questions asked. I’m a paralegal - I know people.
So are you ghosting us now???
And after that, silence, except for Nina’s gentle weekly reminders that they’ll be getting Pizookies on Tuesdays, if I ever want to join them.
I don’t know why it’s so hard to face them. I think it’s maybe because they’ve been with me through the whole journey, from meeting the Red Unicorn and dreaming about who he could be, to knowing and falling in love with Thad. Their hopes were built up along with mine—yes, even Matilda’s, despite her odd way of showing it. My heart was broken in this process. I didn’t want to break theirs, too.
But those were probably just the excuses of a coward. I was hiding from my life because I was hurt, I was embarrassed. I need my friends now more than I probably ever have, and I shouldn’t have cut them out.
Luckily tonight is Tuesday. I think I have a pretty good idea of where they’ll be.
My heart is racing as I look for our usual table at Lou Malnati’s Pizzeria. Part of me is worried that Nina and Matilda might have changed their plans, chosen somewhere else to spend their Tuesdays. Part of me would honestly be relieved if that were true, because I’m a chicken and I’m terrified of what they’ll say when they see me.
Nina is the first to spot me as I approach the table. The Pizookie must not have arrived yet, because they’re just sitting and talking, but Nina stops midword at the sight of me, her eyes widening and her mouth opening in almost perfect, cartoonish symmetry at her surprise.
I might laugh, if I didn’t feel like I was going to throw up.
Matilda frowns, following Nina’s gaze, then her eyes land on me. She stares at me for a long time. Then she rises to her feet, folding her arms. Nina looks back and forth between us, her brow furrowed with worry.
“So you just show up, now, after all this time?” Matilda demands. “We thought you were dead. Then we thought you’d ditched us for your new boyfriend. We thought you weren’t coming back.” Her voice breaks a little on that last sentence, belying the coolness of her dark blue eyes.
I was expecting this from Matilda, and honestly, it’s a little comforting. She is still Matilda, no matter what else may have changed in my life over the past few months. Her strong personality isn’t for everyone. Her unflagging honesty can be brutal. But she is my constant, ever since I became a laywoman. Other people might come and go, might change, might bend, might waver, but Matilda will always be there, firm and unyielding as a rock as the waves crash around her.
“I have no excuses,” I tell her, and Nina, but mostly Matilda, earnestly. I know I’ve hurt Nina, too, but she made clear her door was always open. I need Matilda to understand how much I need to know that hers isn’t closed. “I was embarrassed. I was hurt. I was being selfish and wallowing in self-pity. I’m sorry. I missed you. I need you. Both of you. Please forgive me.”
Matilda’s face remains unreadable, but Nina is already shaking her head. “There’s nothing to forgive?—”
I cut her off before she can finish, needing them to understand me. “Yes, there is.” Again, I look at Matilda, holding her gaze. “I abandoned you. I was hurting, but I could have still texted. I could have asked for time. Instead, I shut you out. And that isn’t how you treat the people you love.” I know that kind of hurt, after all. That’s exactly what Thad did to me, and it’s taken me months to even be able to say it. “I’m sorry.”
Nina’s eyes are filled with sympathetic tears. Matilda stares at me for a long moment before abruptly lurching at me and pulling me into a too-tight hug. It’s a little hard to breathe, actually, but I’m so relieved she’s accepting my apology that I don’t protest.
After a moment, she pulls back, blinking furiously. “You’ll have to tell us everything, of course. Then we can decide what we’ll need to do to take our revenge on that no-good bounty hunter.”
Nina wipes at her eyes, laughing a little. “We don’t even know that there’s any reason to take revenge.”
Matilda levels her eyes at me again.We will take our revenge, she mouths at me, nodding once, a solemn promise.
Despite the old hurt rising again, knowing that I’ll have to regurgitate all the details, the emotions, I can’t believe how good it feels to be with my ex-nun tribe again. Nina’s kindness and empathy, Matilda’s ferociousness and loyalty. I smile at each of them in turn as we take our seats. “I’ll tell you everything,” I promise.
So I do—I tell them about how I’ve been writing Dean once a week, trying to keep up his spirits while he waits for sentencing after pleading guilty. I tell them about the mysterious, unaddressed, generic postcard I received that simply readAll good x2, which I choose to believe is from Molly, letting me know that she and the baby are all right, wherever they are.
And I tell them about Thad. I tell them how rocky the start of the trip was, but how we slowly grew to understand each other better over time. I tell them all the strange details of our journey—almost being kidnapped, being saved by sorority girls, being held hostage by Shane. Falling in love with Thad. Having my heart broken.
