But to have this happen, now? After what we’ve been through together? It isn’t just about the fact that we had sex for the first time last night. It’s the way he smiled at me when we were walking back from the Carolina Belle, like looking at me made his whole face soften. It’s the way he stepped in front of me when Shane was pointing a gun at us, caring less about his life than mine. It’s the way he held me when he got back to the hotel room, like he was terrified to let me go.
Matilda warned me that sex changes everything, that men don’t always mean what they say. But what about everything hedid? Does all of that mean nothing, too?
Sitting up to alert him that I’m awake, I wait for him to make eye contact with me. He does, swallowing, and his face is filled with pain.
I can see that he has something he’s trying to work up the courage to say to me, but I don’t want to hear it. Shaking my head at him, I cut him off before he can even start. “You don’t have to do this. It doesn’t have to be like this.”
He swallows again, and the motion looks painful.“Helen.”
Probably, if Matilda were here, she’d tell me to ice him out, pretend that this doesn’t hurt me, but I can’t. My heart has always been on my sleeve, advertising everything that I’m feeling for everyone to see. “Whatever scenario that’s playing out where you think you have to be the lone wolf, or whatever—just don’t. Change your mind. Please.”
His voice sounds strained when he speaks, and if I didn’t know better, I would have almost sworn that he’s been crying. “It isn’t that simple.”
“Itisthat simple. What we did last night wasgood. You didn’t take anything from me that I didn’t want to give. It wasn’t sinful or wrong. It was…” I gesticulate frustratedly, searching for the right words. “Holy.At least it was to me.”
Thad starts to reach for me, then stops himself. “It isn’t about that. I don’t regret what we did together.” Another long, painful swallow. “But I can’t stop thinking about what happened before…what almost happened.”
I frown at him. “With Shane?”
He flinches at the name. “If you hadn’t distracted him…if Molly hadn’t tackled him…”
This time I reach for him, curling my fingers around his. “But we did. And everyone’s okay. I know it was scary, but?—”
Thad withdraws his hand from mine, almost angrily. “It wasn’t just scary, Helen. It was…” He shakes his head, as if there’s no word to describe what he’s feeling. “Shane was going to take you. He was probably going to kill you, and it would have been all my fault. You shouldn’t have even been there.”
I honestly don’t know what to say to that. It takes me a moment to find my words again. “So—you’re angry with me?”
He rises abruptly to his feet, pacing the small length of the room. “I’m not angry with you, I’m…furious that it happened. I’m terrified that it might happen again.”
“Why would it happen again?”
“Because it keeps happening.” Thad turns to face me on a rush, like all the words are pouring out of him faster than he can stop them. “Because you were almost kidnapped in Mobile, and you were almost killed here. And that’s never happened to you before, not even close, so the common denominator here is me.” He thumps his chest, hard, for emphasis. “And if I stay with you, if I pull you down to my level, it’ll happen again.”
I can tell that he means what he says, even though it doesn’t make any sense to me, even though it sounds completely illogical. If you love something, someone, you protect them, you hold them close. You don’t push them away.
Keeping my voice as calm as possible, I try to reason with him. “It happened because of my connection toDean, not to you. And Dean is back in custody now. There’s no reason to come after me anymore.”
“But what happens when some guy I put in prison gets out and decides he wants to even the score? Or someone’s family member wants to get revenge? It’s only a matter of time, Helen. You’re so…you’re sogood, so trusting. You’re an easy target. And I can’t let it happen because of me.”
That wordgoodhurled at me, is probably meant to be a weird sort of compliment, but I flinch away from it, blinking back tears. Rising to my feet, I clench my hands, waiting until I trust my voice enough to speak. “So because of a hypothetical possibility of something bad thatmighthappen, you won’t even try. I guess you could be right—but what if you aren’t? Maybe I am trusting, and naive, andgood, but I’d rather hope for the best than live for the worst.”
That’s all I can manage without bursting into tears. I make a hasty exit into the bathroom. And maybe I am naive, because a part of me still hopes he’ll come after me, tell me he’s changed his mind.
He doesn’t.
Chapter 46
Helen
Three Months Later
“Kimberly! Kimberly!”
I look up blankly from my computer screen, blinking as I realize that Erica has been trying to get my attention for the past minute. “Sorry—what?”
Erica points from her desk to the front counter, where I can see that a partially obscured patron is waiting to be checked out. “Someone needs your help.”
Biting back my irritation, I refrain from reminding Erica thatshecould just as easily get up to help. But it’s not like I’m doing anything, anyway.
