I nod, helping him pull it up over my head. His eyes travel over my body, snagging onto my breasts again, before they find mine. He moves over me so our torsos are pressed together, my breasts against his chest, only the thin fabric of my underwear and his boxers between us.
His body feels so right against my body. The press of his warm skin, his hard muscles, his soft hair against my skin, my nipples, sends an unexpected jolt of want back down to my core, making my breath catch in my throat. I thought I was done. I didn’t know there was…more. He kisses me—not gently now, but urgently, and I can feel the shift in his touch as it becomes less about guiding me and more about him losing his control. His hands move to palm my breasts like he needs them, he needs to be touching them. I reach up to stroke his back, to tangle my hands in his hair, encouraging him, and he breaks the kiss to look into my eyes. There is something almost wild in his gaze, and I see him fighting to hold on to control.
I don’t want him controlled. I don’t want him worrying about taking things too far or hurting me. I want to make him feel what I’m feeling—helpless with want, a prisoner to my need. I slide my hands back down his back, over his ass, and encourage him into the cradle of my parted legs.
He groans as his erection pressed up against my core, his eyes losing focus for a moment before honing back in on my face, and the intensity there is maybe the most erotic thing that’s happened between us. He thrusts against me, again and again, moving now with wild abandon. He was right before, that I needed this, but I understand he needs it, too, maybe just as much.
The sensation isn’t enough to make me come again, but it feels so good, his hardness pressed against my softness, the soft material of my panties rubbing against my core. His rhythm builds to a frantic pace, and then he shudders and groans.
He’s holding himself up on his elbows, but I reach up, stroking his back and encouraging him to rest down on top of me. The weight of his body on mine, our skin touching, his hand wandering up to gently stroke my breasts again…it’s incredible. Overwhelming, but incredible.
After a while, he rolls over to lie beside me, holding my hand, his warm body pressed close to mine. As we drift off toward sleep, I assess what just happened. It wasn’t quite sex, but it was much, much closer than anything else I’ve ever experienced. I feel like in the last hour, I’ve gone from never having had sugar to eating an entire birthday cake by myself. It feels almost surreal, like it couldn’t have actually happened to me. It’s something I’ve imagined for Rosamund, or one of my other characters. Not Sister Helen.
I wait for the guilt or shame to catch up with me. I’ve been told for most of my life that everything I just did was a sin. But it didn’t feel like a sin as it was happening and it still doesn’t now. It felt…incredible. Not just the physical sensations, but the closeness, the intimacy. I understand why it’s such a rite of passage and people might call it life-changing…but at the same time, that depiction doesn’t feel quite right. I’ve heard it described almost as a fantastical experience, but that makes it feel far removed from reality. And yet it’s therealest, rawest experience I’ve ever had. It’s unlike anything else that’s ever happened to me, and yet it all felt natural, instinctive. It wasn’t magical, it was…holy.
For me, anyway. I remind myself that Thad has never made any promises. He’s never told me that he loves me or wants to be with me. This isn’thisfirst encounter, and we didn’t even have real sex. To him this was likely nothing special—and I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating way, but a practical one.
It doesn’t matter though. For me, it was something sacred, not shameful or sinful. Relieved, I let myself relax and fall into an easy sleep with him beside me.
Chapter 31
Helen
I’m the first one to wake up in the morning. Thad is still flat on his stomach, eyes closed, breathing slow and steady. His face looks soft and open in sleep, and I spend longer than I want to admit just studying his features.
Then, I do what any thirty-one-year-old virgin would do the first time she’s been brought to orgasm by her longtime crush and wakes up still in bed with him.
I sneak into the bathroom so I can text my friends.
It’s still early, but I know Matilda will be awake since she has to be at her job first thing, and I think Nina wakes up around now to make her family breakfast.
Knowing my audience, I decide to get straight to the point: We hooked up. ??
I chew on my thumb as I wait for a response, half listening for any sign of Thad. My phone buzzes a few seconds later.
Matilda: Penetration?
I boggle at the screen. Wow. I thoughtIwas being blunt. Blushing, I clarify: No. Boobies were touched though, and some contact in the bathing-suit areas. I realize that even for me, a former nun, this might sound a little prudish, but Nina is in the group chat and I don’t want her to spontaneously combust because I’ve been too graphic.
Matilda: Oral?
Jeez Louise, Matilda. I quickly type back: No.
Matilda: Then you didn’t hook up. You fooled around.
I roll my eyes. This is such a Matilda move. Here I thought I was going to have mySex in the Citymoment, celebrating a new sexual milestone with my friends, and instead I’m getting a lesson on hookup terminology.
Before I can retort back something snarky, a GIF comes through from Nina. Nina is, unexpectedly, a big GIF-fer. I’m not sure she entirely understands the concept, since her GIFs often don’t seem to have anything to do with what’s going on in the conversation. Case in point, in this conversation about whether I’ve hooked up or fooled around, Nina sends through a GIF of a sleepy cat falling off a couch… At least she’s participating, which means her phone wasn’t confiscated by her uncle again.
I sigh, typing. Okay, I *fooled around.* With the Red Unicorn. Orgasms were had. I’m only ? a virgin now. Woohoo!
Nina sends the GIF fromThe Officewhere Michael excitedly sprays Erin with a bottle of champagne in celebration. This GIF at least makes sense, though I doubt Nina realizes her inadvertent double entendre. Or maybe she does…? Hard to say with that one.
Matilda: So are you together now?
The question shouldn’t have been unexpected, but it still knocks the air out of me a bit. Last night, I’d resolved myself to it being an ambiguous, one-off experience that didn’t need to have any particular meaning. This morning, I’m not so sure. I don’t know how to act when he wakes up. I’ve been so focused on overcoming the hurdle of being a virgin to these physical experiences that I hadn’t really thought through what it means to be a virgin to theseemotionalexperiences. Matilda has told me about hookup culture and I’ve read online articles about dating, but it doesn’t prepare you for the reality of knowing that last night someone was looking into your eyes as you climaxed and this morning you might be almost strangers again.
Do I just ask him about it, up front? That seems like the mature thing to do, and probably what Dr. Sandra would recommend if she were here. But I’m so afraid to show my lack of experience. What if it was obvious last night that this was a one-time thing, to anyone who has an understanding of these dynamics? Thad might have thought he’d made himself perfectly clear, but I’m too naive to get it, and I’ll be putting us both in a hopelessly uncomfortable position by bringing it up this morning.
