Last night was…amazing. I don’t know why I waited so long to try this allegedly sinful thing. Whatever that was, that wasnotsinful. It was…incredible. Life-changing. Transcendent. I feel loose and happy this morning, relaxed in my body in a way that I haven’t felt since…maybe ever. Forget yoga or meditation. This is the self-care practice that everyone should be raving about.
A knock at the door startles me out of my reverie. I jump, my calm of seconds ago shattered by swirling nerves in the pit of my stomach. Did Thad get here early? “Hello?” I call out tentatively, rising to my feet.
“It’s me! Open up.”
Matilda. Sagging with relief, I let in my friend, who is bundled up and holding a Jewel-Osco bag. “I can’t stay,” she says in her usual brisk tone, with no greeting or preamble. “Just dropping this off.”
I take the bag from her, peer inside, and immediately feel myself blush. “Matilda!”
A box of condoms, two different kinds of lube, massage oil, personal grooming scissors, and Tic Tacs.
“Tic Tacs?” I ask in surprise, since even for a perma-virgin like me, the rest seems pretty self-explanatory.
“In case things get hot and heavy before you get a chance to brush your teeth. Whatever you do, don’t let him chew cinnamon gum if he’s going to…” She motions down to my pelvic region, then shudders. “Trust me.”
This bag of unwanted gifts is both invasive and weirdly thoughtful—a pretty accurate summation of my friend. Even though I have no plan to use these things since Thad and I willnotbe having sex, I smile and pull her into a hug. “Thanks, Matilda.”
She’s always a bit of a stiff hugger, but today she’s even more ramrod than usual. I realize why after she pulls away, frowning as she examines my face. “You look…radiant.”
It sounds more suspicious than complimentary, the way she says it. “Thank you?”
Her eyes widen. “Did you orgasm?” Her eyebrows shoot even higher. “Was it the first time?”
I force a laugh, shooing her toward the door. “Okay, you better get to work, and I have to finish packing, so…”
To my surprise, Matilda is the one who lurches in for a hug this time, holding me in a vise grip with her strong, slender arms. “I’m proud of you.”
Oh, Lordie. I pat her back. “Thanks.” Because really, what else can you say to that?
She’s grinning as she pulls away, really looking like a proud parent. “I try to orgasm at least once a day. It makes me much more relaxed.”
Thisis the more relaxed version of Matilda? “Great,” I say, still trying to not-so-subtly sweep her out the door. I do not want to be having this conversation when Thad shows up.
She stops abruptly, her face settling into its more typical frown. Good. Honestly, the smile was starting to freak me out a little bit. “You weren’t thinking ofhim,were you?”
I hem and haw, not able to make eye contact. “I’m not sure that’s any of your business.”
Actually, Iamsure it’s none of her business, but that’s never stopped Matilda. “Youwere the one who said nothing was going to happen between you,” she points out pragmatically as I continue to all but shove her out the door. “Which is obviously bullshit, but ifyoudon’t want anything to happen, you probably shouldn’t picture him while you’re climaxing.”
“Okay, thanks for the advice and the sex stuff. Bye!” And with that, I finally manage to slam the door behind her.
I’ve silenced Matilda. But unfortunately, I can’t silence the thoughts she put into my mind as easily. Have I…made a terrible mistake?
By the time Thad arrives to pick me up, it’s no longer a question in my mind.
Last night was monumental. And monumentally stupid.
Did I have my first-ever orgasm? Yes, yes I did. And was it amazing? Yes, yes it was.
But did I fully think through how strange it would be to get into a car and travel for days with the man who inspired said orgasm and has no idea of the role he’s played in my fantasies?
No. No, I did not.
Maybe that’s why things were so stilted between Thad and me this morning when he came to pick me up. We barely spoke a full sentence to each other, beyond him asking me if I had any more bags.
Now, an hour or so into the trip and making our way steadily through Indiana, conversation hasn’t really picked up much.These are the consequences of being a creep, I remind myself in a voice that sounds eerily close to my mother’s. This is really the kind of scenario they should warn you about in Sunday school. Thou shalt not fantasize about a man thou wilt be driving with for fourteen hours across several states.
I’m so preoccupied with feeling self-conscious about how weirdI’macting that it takes me a while to register how weird Thad is acting, too. It’s not like we’ve ever been the best of friends, but yesterday, I felt like we’d come to some kind of understanding.
