My stomach turns acidic, and I lose my appetite straight away. No. I can’t. There’s no way I can pretend it never happened. The pain is too great. I don't know how people don’t look at me and realize I’m missing my soul. Everything in me hurts, and a part of me wishes it would hurt forever so I never forget her.
I drag my feet to the bathroom and shower, soaping my body three times until I feel clean. The guilt still rips me apart, but I give up and turn off the water.
The wardrobe contains two clean sets of sheets, so I refresh the bed, but I’m exhausted by the time I finish. I didn’t do much, but my limbs are heavy, and I need a nap again. I decide it’s okay to give in to my body’s demands, but I promise myself I won’t let things turn so bad as before. I’m not ready to leave the bedroom, but I'm going to shower and eat whatever they leave at my door.
A monster inside me whispers in my ear that the only way to stop the pain is to let it go. It urges me to find a way to die. When I cry, that's when the voice is louder. It tells me I won’t ever feel okay without Mirasol, and since I wasn’t strong enough to stop Grandpa from taking her, now all I can do is lie down and die.
I push the thoughts aside. I’m not ready to give up just yet. I get up every day after that first. I take a shower, and eat the food they leave for me. I keep pushing because when I let it go, I know I’ll be truly gone.
five
Derrick
She doesn’t leave her room.
Five days drag by, but after twenty-four hours, it’s obvious she’s not coming out, regardless of how many times Major knocks on her door and announces yet another meal.
Jesse starts taking her a plate of food and placing it outside her door. He’s more tenderhearted and can’t imagine letting her go without food. When he does it the first time and she doesn’t take it immediately, I wonder if she managed to sneak out and go back to Dallas. Eventually, the plate disappears and returns a while later, completely demolished.
Her presence is thick in the house. Her scent is maddening, driving me insane even when I’m locked in my room, stroking my hard cock and muttering curses as I do. If I didn’t know better, I’d wonder why a Beta smells like that.
It doesn’t make sense, and my only guess is that because we’ve spent too long without a woman, the edges of rationality are crumbling in.
My fucked-up hand hurts, reminding me of a time I couldn’t let it go. I flex my fingers, frustrated when I can’t move them gracefullyanymore, and try to ignore Major screaming the house down because the woman won’t work. He reminds her of her chores every night. All she has to do is feed the animals, but Jesse and I are covering for her. She won’t do shit.
“She didn’t eat the pancakes,” Jesse says with alarm.
He pushes the untouched plate over the table, showing me that everything is intact. “And she didn’t eat the chicken potpie yesterday. This is not normal!”
“I think that because you’re obsessed with food.” I chuckle, trying to lighten up the damn mood, but he shakes his head.
“It’s been twenty-four hours since she ate. What’s wrong with pancakes and bacon?”
“There’s nothing wrong with it,” Major says as he arrives, bringing his tension with him.
“Something is definitely wrong with her,” I mutter under my breath, but they both hear me and slice me a look. I raise my hands. “All I’m saying is that we need to figure out what we can do with her. This whole situation? It’s unsustainable.”
And I’m not only saying this because my room is the closest to hers, and I don’t think I can live a day longer with her scent around the house. I want to bring it up to them, but the words die on my tongue when Major curses. He’s tense, and it’s not the time to wonder about some girl’s scent.
I’m probably the only one who is that touch-deprived anyway. I know Major and Jesse go down to bars when they need to relieve tension. They never had a serious relationship, and I was never introduced to anyone, but I’m not dumb. I know what my brother is doing when he leaves for the bar and doesn't return until morning.
“She needs to eat,” Jesse says again.
Major knows something is wrong. He knows he should be grabbing the phone and calling out St. James for not telling us the ranch hand he sent us is a moody girl who won’t leave the room. Something is stopping him from doing just that, and instead of telling us, he just shakes his head.
“I’ll deal with her,” he says, putting the whole contents of her plate in the trash.
My mouth is clamped shut, and I refuse to give my opinion because I know it’ll only cause problems. After my injury, I understood my lot in life. I was going to be my parents’ burden, hanging out at my childhood home when everyone had moved on, but then Major came for me. He took me from the darkest place of my mind and brought me here. I know I’m never going to be part of his pack, but I am grateful that I don’t need to sit back home by myself. I look down at the scar crossing my palm, and bitterness coats my tongue. It’s my reminder that I failed while doing the thing I knew the best, so how would anyone want me in their pack? I’m the useless brother, and I should keep my mouth shut. I know my place all too well.
My mouth is shut when she refuses the sandwich Jesse made her for lunch, and the bolognese dish for dinner. I joke that maybe her suitcase was full of snacks, but neither of them laughs, so I leave them be.
By nightfall, I move to the wild horse pen. We have a new addition, found around the property, so fucking thin, yet she didn’t want to come to us. Major managed to get her here, but she’s still suspicious. She’s a proud white mare with a beautiful coat and strong legs. She’s majestic enough that I could see her in every competition in the country. I bet her breed costs thousands, yet she won’t be tamed.
My mind goes to Veda Darling.
It’s hard not to compare when the ranch is suddenly full of wild females. Damn, I bet she’d grab me by the balls if she knew I was comparing her to a mare. The glimpse she gave us showed that prickly personality. The mare aims unsatisfied obsidian eyes on me, and I know my assessment is correct.
“Do you want to be called darlin’ too?”
