My stomach flips, and I feel my cheeks warming fast. The idea of them thinking I’m special is enough to make me tremble all over.
My mind is filled with memories of Jesse’s lips on mine, and the way he dazzles me to stupidity with nothing but his smile. Of course, I think they are hot, but that doesn’t mean anything. I’m just being silly and letting myself be swayed by nice words. I'm just trying to find something to feel besides sadness.
“I’m sorry if I’m not making much sense.”
She said so much, but it feels like she didn’t say enough. Everyone likes to hear they are special, but to me, it might have come too little too late. I don’t feel very special, not after the life I had. Someone special wouldn’t let people take their kid, and that’s the cutting truth.
“It’s hard to believe I’m all that you’re saying.”
Am I even inclined to believe what she says? Anne doesn’t look like a liar, but she’s trying to make me believe she knows I’m different and special just by smelling me. That’s asking a lot.
I’m tired.Of the pain that every single day brings, of the things I don’t understand. My eyes burn with unshed tears, and I look at the river, away from Anne’s eager face. I wish I had pushed this conversation aside. I wish I had let her call me Omega without ever askingwhat that means, because now I know, and I need to decide whether to believe her.
Apathy has been festering inside me and taking hold of everyone I am. It might look like a smile, feeding the chickens, and coming to dinner, but that’s just me getting on with my day because all hope is lost. If I had anything inside me, I wouldn’t be frolicking with three cowboys at the ranch. No. If I were strong enough, I’d march into Grandpa’s office and demand to know where Mirasol is.
Anne doesn’t understand what she just dumped on my lap, but it’s stirring me awake. It’s demanding action when I told myself we wouldn’t act on anything.
Since Mirasol is gone, I’ve been just putting one foot in front of the next, breathing just because. I don’t have a purpose, but suddenly, Anne is poking around, and this revelation takes me back to my body. Makes me feel all the things I don’t want to feel.
Waves and waves of unwanted feelings barrel against me, and I stay there, taking it all in, weeping shamelessly on this bench. Anne makes a sympathetic noise and pats my back, but I don’t tell her that every tear is for my daughter.
It doesn’t make sense, and I don’t have it in me to explain, but I cry like I cried those first days on the ranch. I gasp for air, shaking and feeling the hole inside get bigger and bigger until I stand because I feel like I’m going to cease to exist in pain.
“Hey, Veda, please sit down—”
“I need air.” I cut her off, moving away. “I need to be alone.”
There’s nowhere to go, but I start making my way down the hill, ignoring the eyes on me. They feel even more uncomfortable now that I’m crying. I’m vulnerable, knowing they know something about me I didn’t know until just now.
Do I believe them? Did Grandpa know?
I suppose it doesn’t matter. If he knew it, he wouldn’t tell me. He would hide my celiac diagnosis if I hadn’t been in the room when the doctor explained. He always thought I was more trouble than I was worth, so he wouldn’t like the fact I’m not…normal.
I don’t know what I am, but that seems okay when you’re in this much pain.
I stumble around, gaze cast down, not to attract more eyes than I’m already attracting. My hands use the walls to hold myself together. I’m exhausted, and I need rest, but the kind of rest I need is one I won’t get.
I need rest from beingme.
twenty-one
Derrick
“So you brought a girl who doesn't even know what she is to my door? And I’m just supposed to explain everything to her?”
Pa hits the nail on the head, and I shift uncomfortably in my spot, leaning over the counter. This is exactly what we came to do. We never met enough Omegas to know how to take care of one, and we definitely never met one who had to be explained what she is. I don’t fucking know how to break this to her.
Major balls his hands into fists. “She needed to see what it all means. This place, the community. She’d run away, thinking I’m crazy.”
He thought about this more than I did. My fears were about how to explain her own biology to her. I never thought she might reject it all and want to leave. What would we even do if she tried? Fuck, we can’t let her go, but if she decides to leave for Dallas and forget our names, I can’t stop her.
“And you think bringing her here is much better? These folks haven’t seen an unmated Omega in twenty years!”
Major flinches, and I grow worried that Pa is right and this whole thing is a mistake.
Bringing her here felt like the right move, but our brains are muddled with childhood memories. We think this is the safest place in the world, and we wanted her to feel a fraction of that. I never meant to bring her somewhere where people would ogle her like a zoo animal.
“Shit.” I can’t help but curse.
