Good work.
It might be the highest praise I’ve ever gotten from my dad. But of course, it has to be about the culture of accountability. I swallow hard, rubbing my face with my hands as I try not to get distracted.
Get it together, Finley.
I move through the rest of my day in a haze, trying to find the excitement I should be feeling from the calls from Ken and my dad, but it’s lost beneath my shaking hands. The unease in my chest. The way my mind is constantly pulled from the present to the memory of what I did with Beckett. The guilt I feel for my decision, and my inability to regret the time I spent with him.
I keep hearing the players say, “culture of accountability” in the teasing way they do. Like it was a catchphrase they all found a little funny. Like it should maybe have a hashtag in front of it. But, fuck, they’ve bought in to it, and so have I.
I’ve sweated through my shirt and my suit jacket by the time I get back to my office that evening, and I realize I can’t do this. I can’t feel like this every day for the rest of my life.
The weight of it settles within me. With almost manic clarity, I realize what I need to do. I need to confess, and I need to resign, so the team isn’t forced to fire me.
In a new email, I type a resignation letter to White and Mr. Peterson, one that explains what I’ve done and why I can no longer lead the team. But something about it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like I’m holding myself to the accountability I’ve preached since day one on the job.
Reading through it again, I make a few small edits, my mind continually caught on the words “my decision to step down is in the best interests of the team…”
The draw to send it sucks me in: I just want to have it done with. Then I can disappear, taking with me the burning guilt over the fact that, if any player confessed something like thisto me, I would tell them they had to turn themselves in and let the system work out what the repercussions are. Culture of accountability, and all.
I hover the cursor over the large blue “send” button when I realize I am in no condition to be making this decision. My heart is pounding, my hands shaky. It’s like I chugged fifteen cups of coffee and then walked through a haunted house. The relief I expect to feel isn’t there. Instead, there is a slow trickle of ice falling down my sternum that feels wrong.
I don’t examine it, though. With the push of a button, I save the email to my drafts.
Chapter 40
Finley
Today.I’mgoingtobe unemployed starting today. Probably. I called an emergency dinner with Charlotte tonight, and after I confirm with my best friend that I’m not losing my mind, I’m going to press send. Or maybe she’ll help me understand why resigning feels so wrong.
All I have to do is get through the next few hours of meetings. Then I can get away from the nagging pressure in my chest. The constant tremors in my hands. The slight smell of body odor that follows me around now that I’m losing half my body weight in anxious sweats.
“I’m headed to my meeting with Sutton,” I tell Paige as I walk past her and out the door of my office.
“Have fun!” she sings, her tone almost sarcastic. She and Sutton have never gotten along.
I’m walking down the hallway, my tennis shoes squeaking on the clean floors when suddenly my face is planting into a large chest.
“Hey, Coach,” Larsen says, reaching out to steady me.
“Larsen.” I move to step around him.
He steps in front of me. “Do you have a minute?”
“Unfortunately, no. I have a meeting with Dr. Pearce.”
“Well, she and Li just got into an argument about statistical diagonals, so maybe you can spare me a few minutes?”
I look into his unsmiling face. “You know that’s not a real thing, right? Statistical diagonals?”
He shrugs. “It’s as real to me as any other math term.”
“Well, I’d better go anyway,” I announce, starting to walk past him again.
“Don’t leave,” he says.
“What?”
“I had a coach leave after my sophomore year in college, and you’re acting just like he did. You’ve not checked out, but you’re not pushing forward, either. You’re giving off a real about-to-bolt vibe.”
