Just knock.
Finally, I raise my hand and rap it twice against Beckett’s apartment door.
There’s no going back now. Not that I want to.
There’s a pause before I hear, “Coming!”
Beckett opens the door. “Fin—Coach Blake?” He scans the hallway behind me like I might be hiding someone else. “Do you want to come in?”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “This should just take a minute.”
“Okay. What can I do for you?”
“I crossed a line,” I announce.
“You… crossed a line?” Beckett asks, like he’s having a hard time keeping up.
“Yes. Getting romantically involved with a player was an unacceptable decision. What I did was wrong, and I’m sorry.”
“You’re… sorry?” He raises an eyebrow.
I nod, fighting my desire to ask him if he’s a parrot. “I am. And I know it’s too little too late, but moving forward, I promise to keep everything strictly professional between us.”
He tilts his head. “Professional? Not even friendly?”
“No,” I say, even as my heart is being ripped out of my chest. “I’m your coach. We’re not friends.”
His eyes scan my face, looking for an answer he’s not going to find. One hecan’tfind. “Are you worried someone is going to find out?”
I take a deep breath, reminding myself of what must be done. “It’s not about that.”
“Oh, really? So, if I could guarantee that no one would ever know about us, would you still do this? Still pretend like I mean nothing to you? That you mean nothing to me? Because I know that isn’t true for me, and it damn sure felt like it wasn’t true for you.”
It’s arrow after arrow straight to my gut. I know what I’m giving up. The future. The happiness. I know that once I answer, there’s no coming back. No changing it.
“Yes.”
BecauseIwould know. BecauseIwould never be able to trust myself again. Because I truly believe in the Yeti’s culture of accountability.
Because the version of me I am supposed to be can’t survive if I let Beckett mean something to me. Because I want him to meaneverythingto me. And that’s certainly not something I’m allowed to have.
“Look,” I say. “I want you to know this isn’t about you or anything you did. You’re great. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you. And it’s not about people finding out. I know we could hide it ifwe wanted to. We were always professional at the rink, but we have to go back to being coach and player.”
Beckett swallows hard, and it’s all I can do to force my gaze away from the strong lines of his throat. “I understand. You’ve always held yourself to a higher standard than the rest of us. And we both knew what we were doing. It was certainly questionable, even if me being on IR made it a little bit more of a gray area than normal. But, just so you know, I don’t think you ever treated me differently as a player. And Ineverfelt like I had to be with you in order to play. So, while I completely understand why rules like this exist, we broke them in name only: not in spirit.”
He raps once on the doorframe, as if he’s preparing to leave, and the last threads of control start to splinter within me. But then he faces me again, a sad smile on his face. “And just so you know, I don’t think you have to be the perfect Coach Blake who Sabrina and the team have tried to turn you into. You’re more than just a coach.”
The words should make me feel better, but they have the opposite effect. He doesn’t understand. Coach Blake is Finley. Finley is Coach Blake. There is no difference between the two at this point. Maybe when I was alone with him, but never outside of that. Never with anyone else. The real Finley would’venevermade it to this level. This job would destroy her.
Not knowing how to explain that to him, I simply nod. “Thanks, Kane. See you at the airport tomorrow.”
“See you,” he says. He gives me a final, sad smile before shutting the door, leaving me alone in the hallway.
I suck in a deep breath, battling the sinking feeling of emptiness spreading in my gut, competing with the relief of finally being back in control.
Even if this version of myself willfully chooses survival over joy. Over happiness. At least I can do it with my head held high.Letting myself catch feelings was so far past my moral limits that I don’t know if I can ever find the old version of myself again.
Now that I’ve closed that chapter of my life, I’ve cut myself off from wanting what would destroy me. Even if walking away seems to be breaking me apart piece by tiny piece. At least there’s a chance I survive it.
