But she wasn’t in love.
And if she did love him—no, she couldn’t think that possible. That way madness lies. And unbearable pain. And the all-consuming rage she had witnessed in her father and sometimes, her brother. She could never let herself love him.
Because Lady Starling had spoken truths. Yes, about Caroline, named her ungainly height, her crippled speech. But she had also spoken the truth about Caroline’s husband.
Phineas would wander. Hadn’t he blithely bedded an unknown-to-him serving girl just seven months ago? He was not a man to withhold pleasure from himself or anyone else.
She might be able to put a halt to some of his spending—his clothes, his wine, his carriages, his jewels for his mistresses—but how could she rein in his appetite for women?
She couldn’t.
Therefore, it was much better not to be in love and just to try to enjoy this time when she still had her husband’s full attention. Well, split between her and Lavinia. And now split between her and Lavinia and William Dagenham.
She pushed away the persistent purr in her head.
It’s too late, darling. You already love your sweet Phin, don’t you?
Thirty-One
Caroline left Phineas’ bed just before dawn.
She came to her husband’s bed at night, rather than the reverse. Caroline preferred to be alone with her husband while coupling, and Lavinia was much happier being shut away by herself in Caroline’s bedchamber, surrounded by the smell of her mistress’ things, while Caroline and Phineas experienced marital bliss. Afterwards, however, if his eyes were still open, more often than not, her husband would hop out of bed to let Lavinia into his bedchamber so the dog could settle on his carpet for the night and be near her people.
Also, Caroline slept fewer hours than her husband and it was easier to slip out of his bed and go to her own bedchamber to get ready for the day. If he slept in her bed, she might have felt she was disturbing him when she rose early.
After dressing herself, she and Lavinia crept down the stairs and left the house for their walk, both for exercise and so the dog could stop every few steps, marking the grass and the trees on the side of the lane, saying in dog-talk,mine, me, mine. How Caroline wished a wife could do something similar. But in a way that did not involve excretion, of course.
She was surprised to see a figure coming toward her down the lane. So early. As she drew closer, she recognized William Dagenham.
“Good morning, my lady.” He swept off his hat and bowed. “I see we two and your hound are early risers.”
“I hope you were c-c-comfortable in your room, Lord D-Dagenham.”
“Oh, yes. Perfectly comfortable. An enormous improvement from my last visit here. I just find I don’t sleep much these days. And your husband believes in the beneficial powers of a walk, so I decided to take one.”
Caroline nodded. She suddenly felt sorry for this man. He was so adrift.
“My husband’s fr-fr-friends are always welcome here.”
He quirked an eyebrow. “I won’t tell him you said that. I think he’s rather irritated that I burst in on your honeymoon.”
“Phineas would n-never be irritated.”
“You think so, eh? Well, it’s early days for you two. And if anyone could keep him from being irritated, I’m sure it’s you, Lady Burchester.”
She nodded politely and walked on, Lavinia at her side.
What was the man on about? Her husband was the most even-tempered man in the world. Even when she had been cold to Phineas, rejected him, he had treated her with nothing but kindness.
Resentment stirred. She liked her mornings here in Burchester. The mistakes of yesterday wiped away by her husband’s caresses the night before. The day unspoiled, with no stammers in it yet. No errors or omissions. Just the sunrise, the fresh air in her lungs, and the unconditional love of her La.
But William Dagenham had marred her morning with his insinuations that he knew her husband better than she did and that Phineas might not be the easy man she thought he was.
Given her morning was now ruined, she might as well face other people and get started on the tasks of the day. She walked another quarter of a mile, only so as not to be trailing after Lord Dagenham on her return to the house, and then turned around and headed back.
The housekeeper Mrs. Fox had shown Caro the door to the steward’s office, located at the end of a passageway at the rear of the house. Mr. Albion Chambers actually lived in a cottage on the estate, but his work was conducted here. The ledgers should be in his office.
She went to the office, but the door was locked. She went back up to her bedchamber to fetch the heavy ring of keys she had insisted she have on her first day as mistress of the house.
